feb13 in idea barrages

1.) A pick-up line that’d only work w/ someone who really just wants to have a wedding would be “I’ve forgotten your last name, can I give you mine?” but w/ that person, it’d work really well. Kind of a swinging-out-your-shoes pick-up line. Whiff or home run only.

2.) A sanitarium named Excellence would be awesome because then you could write “Committed To Excellence” on your resume as a positive thing without exactly lying.

3.) Disliking the recent Star Wars films is a defensible position, even if I consider them “blandly competent” as worst myself. Disliking them so much that you start trying to pretend the prequels weren’t 1,000x worse, that is the extremist’s path toward madness.

4.) The average Super Bowl pre-game show begins with an ad for the newest Marvel film and ends with an ad for that film’s sequel.

5.) What no one tells you is how your first few high school crushes are going to set your standards for what you find beautiful/handsome/interesting, what drives you crazy both in terms of personality and physical “type” for the rest of your life. It’s weird.

6.) Garth Brooks is going to spring training with the Pirates this year and he is still a more legitimate prospect than Tim Tebow.

7.) Petition to have the Will Smith Genie in ALADDIN digitally replaced by the Yondu character in GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY.

8.) After Louis’s daring escape from the aquarium, a broken-hearted aquatic veterinarian was heard to mutter “you picked a fine time to leave me, Lou seal.”

9.) A mystery about a series of grizzly murderers on the EDM scene where everyone is too high to consider that DJ Flowerew might actually be a werewolf.

10.) Meghan McCain has this look on her face like she spends her every waking moment thinking about asking for the manager.

11.) Student debt represses an entire generation’s ability to focus on social & government change because they’re too busy taking on 2nd & 3rd jobs to pay it down instead of volunteering or activism. (And this isn’t a bug, it’s a feature.)

12.) “Are you now or have you ever been a part of a band on the run?” was one of the most spoken lines during Congress’s controversial McCartney Hearings.

13.) In twenty years, I hope Donald Glover releases an album of classical music under the name Mature Adulto.

14.) “Mental health issues?” he asked the interviewer thoughtfully, “I guess you’d say I have the twenty-six volume collected set.”

15.) Famed short-statured actor Deep Roy has a 6‘8” brother who failed in an attempt to play professional basketball and now works in real estate called Shallow Roy.

16.) Watching Sister Act is occasionally okay but don’t make yourself a habit of it.

17.) A David Lynch directed episode of The Simpsons called ERASERNED.

18.) It is June of 2019. The law requiring every American over the age of 35 to declare their candidacy for the Democratic nomination for President has come into effect. Police are capturing resisters and dragging them to makeshift podiums for press conferences.

19.) I like to believe that on Eternia, there is an popular budget steakhouse chain called “Sizzlor” but we’ve never heard of it because we mostly just see the lives of the aristocracy and high-ranking military in HE-MAN.

20.) The first rule of Kite Club is that Charlie Brown will always be disappointed by Kite Club. The second rule of Kite Club is that Charlie Brown will always be disappointed by Kite Club.

21.) I have come to the realization that I am the Arena Football League of dudes. No, I do not have the big name or speed or athleticism of the dudes on the television but I’m enthusiastic, willing to please and a much cheaper date than any of those other dudes.

22.) If there isn’t a New Zealand kids show called “KIWIS PLAYHOUSE” they’re doing it wrong.

23.) Your purposefully sub-standard Smashing Pumpkins cover band will be called “Carob Rock”.

24.) The night before an M. Night Shaynananananalivefortodayheyheyhey film is known as Twistmas Eve.

25.) They travel The South in their Mediocre Machine, solving crimes through the power of adequacy, prompting the perps to scream “And I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those middling kids!”

26.) A pretty good parody about the feast scene from TEMPLE OF DOOM would be “If I Knew You Were Coming, I’d’ve Baked An Ape”.