fe9 in idea barrages

1.) So many of our issues come down to economic Stockholm Syndrome but acknowledging it would offend the hostage takers and ruin their ransom so here we are, fighting over crumbs instead of discomforting the piggie hogging all the pie. I don’t know if the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one but I am sure as hell certain that the needs of the many outweigh the luxuries of the one. Economics like biology, small scale longterm well regulated growth keeps things rolling but when left unfettered blossoms wild and hideously mutated, as a cancer, to quickly threaten the organism’s life.

2.) Did the Atlanteans evolve from sea monkeys?

3.) In the thrift store, misread a novelty glass for Black Angus Steakhouse as “Buck Angel’s Steakhouse” and thought… that’s gotta be one wild steakhouse.

4.) My question: how do these people enjoy their fav 80s movies now? Every good film from the 80s (& most of the bad ones) born-rich pissants, religious flim-flam men & fake-ass fratdouches were the bad guys, now people love Trumps Tebows & Bradys &… do they just hate Animal House now?

5.) Renewing The Simpsons isn’t even beating a dead horse at this point, it’s finding the books bound with the glue the horse’s remains were processed into 20 years ago then shooting those books into the sun in a rocket.

6.) I still wake up, some nights, believing I forgot to lock the door at an office I haven’t worked at in years, a building in fact long ago torn down. I thought I left a medical sample in a car yesterday when I haven’t been a Quest courier in forever. The mind is like that.

7.) When pot is nationally legal and publicly traded corporations get involved, there are going to be so many “Sell High!” jokes from Wall Street Journal-types thinking they’re being clever. It is my hope that by writing this tweet, I’m jinxing them all.

8.) The realization that an overactive imagination that helps one creatively is the same engine that drives the ability to imagine the worst case scenario ideation that is Anxiety and Panic, facing this down is pretty much the biggest self-own I’ve ever had.

9.) The classiest slang for the clitoris would be “Rowan Atkinson” because you’re saying “Mr. Bean” without saying “Mr. Bean”.

10.) Thing about people claiming “Southern heritage” w/ battle flags but it “isn’t about slavery” is how that’s the only thing that unifies “The South” as “The South”. There’s tons of wonderful stuff about parts of the southern U.S., celebrate all that. But those flags mean “killing to preserve slavery” & only that.

11.) It’s like how people say “why can’t we have White Pride day?” because, no, celebrate your individual European ethnicity but “White” as a concept only exists as a construct to specifically make Others of the oppressed. Enjoy Oktoberfest or Feast of The Seven Fishes or whatever but “Whiteness” is only about hate.

12.) You’ve discovered my secret to social media: I’m safeguarding myself by being so thorough in my overshare that anyone wanting to use it against me is overwhelmed and gives up. “If he has a brain filled only with puns and navel-gazing,” they will say, “he has suffered enough.”

13.) It’s weird we live in a culture where people yell “CHIPOTLE IS AMAZEBALLS!” when it’s, like, pretty good for fast food, I guess. I like to imagine these people going to an actual Mexican restaurant or, God forbid, getting a homecooked meal and their heads melting like the end of RAIDERS.

14.) Our entire political system changed when the Supreme Court said “uh, sure, bribery is a kind of free speech, why not”. I mean, it didn’t CHANGE exactly but the cockroaches used to at least to hide behind the walls before. Now they’re emboldened.

15.) ESPN hiding all analysis beyond the public record in sports behind the ESPN-Plus paywall seems about as long-term smart as CBS hiding all the new Star Trek stuff behind its own paywall. Making a little more money now while shrinking its properties’ reach forever.

16.) SELF: “How about a deconstructed inversion of Forrest Gump where the lead keeps on ALMOST being part of history but continually overthinks things & talks himself into leaving first?” ALSO SELF: “No one wants to read your autobiography, OOH SICK BURN!”

17.) “Welcome To The Future!” they told the person waking up from cryo. “…everything looks the same.” “No no no, THE MENU BOARDS AT FAST FOOD PLACES ARE FLAT SCREEN TELEVISIONS NOW!” “…put me back in the freezer.”

18.) A dark future version of KING OF THE HILL where Bobby is a druglord who sells cocaine and cocaine-related accessories. Kind of a BREAKING BAD riff. Maybe we call it KING OF THE KILL.

19.) I hate driving over long bridges, I avoid it when possible, I’m not the worst with heights but I don’t like heights. Couple weeks ago, finally drove over the Tappan Zee (or whatever its called now) and, weirdly, it felt like an accomplishment.

20.) The best memes start as happy accidents, you can’t force it, it’s kind of like bad movies. All the best good-bad movies are created by people who are either insane or naive & trying to be sincerely good & movies trying to be good-bad are almost impossibly tedious.