janu13 in idea barrages

1.) You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can even pick your friends’ nose (if that’s what everyone’s into) but you can’t pick your friends’ battles. Focus on picking your own. And then, sure, noses, if that’s what everyone is into.

2.) I SEE YOU UP THERE LIKE A BAT IN THE SKY/I KNOW YOUR INFO, MAN/YOU DON’T NEED TO LIE/DON’T BRING ME DOWN/oo-OO-oo/THIS ISN’T A GAME, I KNOW YOUR REAL NAME, DON’T BRING ME DOWN/DON’T BRING ME DOWN, Bruce/DON’T BRING ME DOWN, Bruce

3.) Birds are constantly yelling about how desperate they are for sex, tinder is a thing you can use to burn everything down, maybe Twitter and Tinder should switch names to be more upfront about their use.

4.) One of the healthier ways to approach being an artist or entertainer or craftsperson is to know that it would be nice to be applauded, it would be amazing to make a living but at the end of the day, you do this thing because it’s all you know how to do.

5.) Whenever Disney buys Warner, I hope the Namor/Aquaman crossover movie is called SURF WAR.

6.) Ain’t need no meme to explain the difference between the photos of me. When I started with facebook, I was an okay looking tall guy with great hair who was really fat. Today I am an okay looking tall guy with great hair who is normal fat.

7.) Louis C.K. is a terrible goddamn person. Some people, especially small city folk with inferiority complexes, need to be validated by momentary proximity to fame, even famous terrible goddamn people like Louis C.K. And there’s money to be made there. It’s wrong but it’s real.

8.) We could totally refer to Slurpees, Icees, Slush Puppies and all various Slushies as “Ice Krispies” but we don’t because we lack that kind of imagination as a society.

9.) I still say that LEGO doesn’t want money because they haven’t made a “Al’s Communicator From QUANTUM LEAP” kit yet.

10.) A cheese-flavoured and chocolate-flavoured Mountain Dew called “Fountain Dew” but “FONDEW” for short.

11.) There weren’t posters of the Space Winnebago in Spaceballs with the tag-line “YOU WILL BELIEVE A VAN CAN FLY” because I was not consulted and, again, the world is the poorer for my lack of consultation.

12.) Order a werewolf to support your youtube channel. “Comment, lycan! Subscribe!”

13.) Your device that translates between Danish and Dutch is really just a Copen-mechanism.

14.) Except the bin is filled with basketballs and his name is Scrooge McDunk.

15.) “Some people really love the area between the genitals and butt” she said, pausing thoughtfully then continuing “but t’aint my thing.”

16.) Whenever there’s too much emo music bombarding you, just duck into a falloutboy shelter.

17.) Everything said about how Trump’s existential threat to democracy vastly outweighed any blemishes on Clinton has been confirmed a thousand times and if you denied before the election it to feel ideologically edgy, this is partly on you.

18.) The brothel was all booked up but a last minute cancellation allowed them to squeeze him in.

19.) 3AM thought: if really good hockey players started taking shots on goal with tuna cans, would they explode awesomely?

20.) Its not that the kind of people who settled a place where it can be seven degrees Fahrenheit were stupid, they were just INCREDIBLY desperate. And so must we be to stay.

21.) Denial isn’t strength, cruelty isn’t strength. Compassion is the only strength worth even half a damn.

22.) Le Mans sounds less like a road race and more like a poor translation between French and English of the word “men”.

23.) I’m terrible at post-modern line-breaks, tabbing and formatting as a poet and I’m self-conscious about it. I write to getting the ideas across and to the end-goal of live reading, making the words on the page an image, a painting itself, eludes me almost completely.

24.) We are fractured ephemeral slivers of stars, briefly conscious of ourselves, wearing hazmat suits made out of meat that we might interface with reality without shattering ourselves into nothing, for a little while, but just for a little while.

25.) Today I noticed on twitter that a hashtag for Days Of Our Lives fans is #DOOL and now I want the Ghostbusters to go on a soap opera just to set up the line “THERE IS NO DANA, ONLY DOOL!” somehow.

26.) The Trump administration is the evil mirror universe version of Homer Simpson taking over The Stonecutters. I have never been more confident of a pop culture analogy.

27.) Glomer from The Punky Brewster Cartoon at a fancy wedding reception buffet: “GLOMER GO BACK FONDUE!”

28.) Hail Poppin Fresh, Pilsbury’s Boy of Dough punched down but then risen as the Bread of Man, challah be thy name, who if you follow the Written Instructions will be there for you in your time of knead.

29.) The QBerty Challenge demands pictures before and after you turned into a round fuzzy snout monster that climbs pyramids as its job.

30.) Sometimes it’s just too literal too late, figuratively speaking.

31.) Why wasn’t the Spongebob musical called “A Porous Line”? I should be consulted first on everything, it seems.

32.) A parody of the PETTICOAT JUNCTION theme “There goes Grandpa Joe, he’s movin’ pretty slow at the Fact’ry, Wonka-Choc Fact’ry”.

33.) Is pub-hopping in the UK’s capital referred to as London crawling?

34.) The fact that McDonalds hasn’t gone to the jingle “Ba-da-ba-ba-ba CONSUME” is mystifying to me.