de19 in idea barrages

1.) This is the most 1130pm a 6am has ever felt .

2.) Dracula’s Carpenters parody will be called “Lycanthropes And Mummies Always Get Me Down”.

3.) I often think on how much of my personal culture is based on growing up during Early Cable when it was just local network channels & the superstations. I had more NYC superstations than Utica or Syracuse channels. I thought NYC was just south of Albany.

4.) Simultaneously celebrate the 30th anniversary of the Simpsons and the 20th anniversary of when the Simpsons stopped being amazing and started being, y’know, all right. DOUBLE PARTY.

5.) Will Ferrel is, like, that one pinch-hitter on your bench who is all power and no average. He’s going to come up and either strike out (most of the time) or he is going to hit a home run into the other state and you never know which.

6.) Between the dreary cold hard rain, the not-yet-solstice endless night and all the houses with the fancy new-ish LED Christmas lights, my neighborhood looks like how the unseen suburbs must’ve looked in BLADERUNNER.

7.) I fear I’m gonna plow the money I’ve made on comedy/podcasts/speaking engagements in the last month & a half into entry fees for short story & poetry contests, like a gambling addict putting his life savings on red in desperate hopes of doubling.

8.) dear facebook, I have never used your “story” feature except when accidentally clicking the button with my fat thumbs on the cell phone. you are not Snapchat, quit playin’.

9.) Woody Allen is the kind of scumbag who thinks that since he can name four philosophers from PHILO 101 off the top of his head, statutory sex laws don’t apply to him, and the world needs less people like him.

10.) Maybe Cuomo’s killing two birds with one stoned, if the folk with the No Safe Act signs smoke a joint & realize Rush is lying about that armada of brown people coming to steal their dogs, they’ll realize no one outside of an active combat zone needs an AR-15 and, like, win-win.

11.) Jury duty is a lot like social media except when you don’t like the person, you don’t only block them, you get to put them in jail!

12.) A parody of Billy Idol’s “Plastic Jesus” about the classy plate of different cheeses at a fancy holiday party.

13.) “Sexy Firstname Lastname” is definitely my post-modern stripper name.

14.) To Xanadu, did GPS/right at the light in fifty feet decree/cross Aleph, the sacred river, there/we took the direction literally without a care/and drove straight into the sea.

15.) I feel like I would probably like STEVEN UNIVERSE but I would also have to take on an intensive eight-week course of study to figure out what the hell is going on, so nah. Felt the same way about BABYLON FIVE.

16.) You know you’ve been on a low-carb diet too long when you think “Vegetable soup… WITH A LITTLE BIT OF BARLEY IN IT? HOW DECADENT!”

17.) I don’t know what the Christmas movie “Miracle on 50 Cent St.” would look like, I just know I wanna see it.

18.) whispers to entertainment executives …all the good sagas and universes and franchises start with one good story standing alone and then, if people like it a lot, then you develop from there, you cowardly ninnies…

19.) The phrase “Keith Sweat” popped up on Twitter Trending & until I figured out he’s an… R&B singer, maybe?… I thought people were selling some dude name Keith’s sweat because it’s 2018 & it was Twitter and who knows what’s real anymore?

20.) Step 1: have whoever controls Tom Petty’s intellectual property owe you a life-debt. Step 2: open a steakhouse called “Beeftown”. Step 3: hire me to write your ad jingle to the tune of “Breakdown”. Step 4: ??? Step 5: PROFIT.

21.) Salvation Army’s wondering why donations are down but homophobia and trying to sell McDonalds mugs from 1982 for three bucks a pop just aren’t a way to make money in 2018 and, like, thank God for that.