de5 in idea barrages

1.) The inside of this dog’s face must be magic. I see everything he eats and nothing that goes into his mouth smells one-tenth as awful as when it comes back out as breath. If only we could turn this superpower toward the good of mankind, somehow.

2.) A sturdy bra can give you a falsie sense of security.

3.) Mix your egg nog with sperm nog, wait nine months and enjoy a fresh cup of baby nog.

4.) If you catch your friends watching a marathon of the mid-90s syndicated television schlock RENEGADE, the best insult is to call them a bunch of “Lorenzo Lame-Os”.

5.) So you’re telling me that Larry King was married five thousand times and he never once named a son Larry Prince? C’mon now. That’s not even trying.

6.) A Batman villain will always find the simplest way to escape from captivity, according to a law that scientists have dubbed “Arkham’s Razor”.

7.) Olives are basically like “do you like bitter things? here, we will give you something unpalatably bitter AND we’ll make it salty and squishy for no extra charge!”

8.) I think “Eat Pray Love” would’ve been more interesting if it had been about a very proper British woman trying to teach a wolf how to wolf and it had been “Eat Prey, Love”.

9.) How did they invent “Thigh-High Uggs” without calling them “Thuggs”? Secondarily, why would you want your legs to look like uncircumsized wangs?

10.) I would like to see a version of The Great Christmas Light Fight where they actually have to battle each other with, like, whips made of Christmas lights.

11.) Here’s the actual secret: you don’t fake it ‘til you make it. The only people who make it off your faking it are the people who sell you the stuff you fake it with, books like THE SECRET. Do. Just do. Do your thing, do the hell out of it & hope you also get lucky.

12.) The simplest way to record a Nine Inch Nails album is often the best, a concept that scientists called “Occam’s Reznor”.

13.) Your story about the Wizard World battling the Joker will be called “Why So, Sirius?”

14.) That sea monster was framed by the police! Set him free! Release the kraken!

15.) A folk parody of HIGHWAY TO HELL about eating well would have to be called “Highway To Health” and involve the line “hail seitan!”

16.) On rural roads, I see those caution for tractors sign and I always imagine a super-hero with a farmer top and a tractor bottom called TRUCKTAUR.