no14 in idea barrages

1.) Fire departments are another piece of evidence that mixed-model economics works, that necessary services like fire, roads, schools, police, utilities, military & medicine need to be public & socialized for the society’s greater good. Of course greedy bastards are attacking them.

2.) If you want to make your masturbation habits sound a lot classier, just call it “self-care”.

3.) Volcanoes are just the devil’s bath bomb.

4.) It’s weird how a tiny indie comic character in Pepe The Frog was appropriated by the Nazis & the mascot of a multimillion dollar sports team in Gritty was appropriated by the left but it just underlines how through the looking glass we are.

5.) Maybe in 5,000 years, they’ll think the holiday was called “Tanks Gibbon” and they’ll wonder why we let a primate pilot heavy military machinery, let alone base a major holiday around it.

6.) Current song I sing to the dog: “his name is Ollie Blah-Blah/and he has forty fleas/but if to piss is on your list/he has advanced degrees” and every repetition speeds up a little bit more.

7.) Of all the defunct American retail chains, Caldor is certainly the one that most sounds like a minor character in the HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE mythos.

8.) When Bruce Springsteen can’t think of a song title, he just throws a dart at a map. “5th Avenue Hustle” or “10th Street Spacejam” it is!

9.) The universe’s sense of irony really shined through when those Minions characters became a series of despicable memes.

10.) We’re only 20 years too late for this “LACKLUSTER VIDEO - WOW! WHAT INDIFFERENCE!” joke I’m brewing up.

11.) Your desert-themed supervillain will be called “Dr. Dry”.

12.) Your Twilight/Empire Records crossover fan-fiction will be called Vampire Records. Oh God will it be terrible.

13.) Have a gander reveal party where, at the end, you unleash the angry geese onto the defenseless crowd.

14.) If you pick a fight with Lil Wayne, Regular Wayne will come and defend him. You manage to defeat Regular Wayne, Big Wayne is the final boss. He only takes damage right after his eyes flash red.