like an idea barrage but bigger in idea barrages

1.) Famous people hiring paparazzo to stalk the normals, trying to figure out what it’s like to be real, secret channels full of mundane-centric TMZs, the fake gods obsessed with us, the things they can never be, let alone understand.

2.) I’m only an ok writer. I’ve no sense of plotting & an erratic work ethic. I’m a hell of an idea generator, though. I dislike myself deeply so I don’t give myself much credit but for better or for worse I’m a damn Hadron Collider of ideas.

3.) Rolling down the street in a half-hearted FDR costume singing “LOOSELY IN DISGUISE AS DIME-MAN” at the top of your lungs.

4.) A gofundme so that I can devote all of next spring and summer to loudly booing Tim Tebow at all Syracuse Mets games.

5.) On the one hand, you don’t want to cheer for Skeletor because he is the baddie. On the other, goddamn, the guy goes about doing his thing with such gusto, you just wanna give him a medal.

6.) If you kill God only to raise up Money or Fame or Satan or anything else to take Its place, you haven’t killed God at all, you’ve just changed the name on Its drivers license. Hello to the new boss, same as the old boss.

7.) Weren’t the people burned alive by The League of Assassins in the first Nolan Batman movie really just “Ra’s Crispies”?

8.) The worst possible name for a band ever is “Dogstroller”.

9.) Cheap Trick (or whoever) had it completely backward. Give yourself away but don’t surrender. Give everything away, all your secret selves, all your knowledge and all your shames, let go your ego, share all your best tricks to help others but never give up.

10.) I wanna say the people planning Space Jam 2 have mistaken ironic appreciation for genuine appreciation but one of the great American ruiners is that irony money spends the same as normal money.

11.) My precognitive review of NBC’s Manifest: At the end of time, as the last star in the sky winks out, some damn TV executive will be thinking “What if we make another rip-off of LOST? Surely that will work this time.”

12.) A really high-end farmers market where you can buy actual beets grown by Dr. Dre.

13.) I realized that if the fake president’s wife were a buff guy, she would look almost exactly like Glenn Danzig and I’m not sure I wanted to know that.

14.) Maybe Ma Beagle HAD to raise the Beagle Boys to be criminals to pay off the hospital bills she accrued giving birth to, like, forty kids.

15.) Whenever I hear the term “carbon footprint” I imagine a legendary West Virginia beast Carbonfoot that people are looking for evidence off. I think he poops charcoal.

16.) The soft-rock band Maroon 5 is so named because Maroon 7 was the name of the people on Gilligan’s Island.

17.) How many emo and metal and goth bands are pissed off that they can’t name themselves “DeathStar” because everyone would think it’s just a Star Wars thing?

18.) Your joy left you to wander, years ago, but still you hold out hope for your reunion, the return of the prodigal fun.

19.) What do we want? PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN! When do we want it? ON MY DESK 5PM YESTERDAY, PARKER!

20.) EDM SUCKS AND YOU’RE TO BLAME, BABY, YOU GIVE WUB A BAD NAME (BAD NAME)

21.) Who is “the best” at a thing is the least interesting about that thing in the world. All the great things will come from the people endlessly trying to get better as opposed to those who just wanna “win”. Winning is for losers.

22.) I think Springsteen’s deal with the devil didn’t involve his soul, he instead had to agree to unleash “Glory Days” on an unsuspecting mankind for The Devil. And, really, it was a lot worse thing to agree to.

23.) We need support groups for people trying to recover from this culture’s sick desire for the ability to kill at a random whim. Some kind of… National Rifle Addicts Anonymous.

24.) PBS, I don’t know what the hell a Poldark is but if it’s not a D&D monster, you’ve wasted a really useful word.

25.) Huell Howser was always surprised by everything. He was like a baby that was somehow able to use adult words without having any access to the underlying concepts.