au12 in idea barrages

1.) People watching in a mall, a burrito bowl, looking at what stores have changed, sticking a fiver in a massage chair, ending up in a bookstore, reading something I wanted to read but not enough to pay full price for and a coffee. If I am good but not great, this will be my heaven.

2.) At some point in his career, after he was a little popular but before he made it big enough for a tour bus, Van Morrison had to tour in a Van Morrison Van.

3.) A running gag in your life of always purposefully confusing balaclavas and baklava will only pay off on the rarest of occasions but, man, when it pays off, it will pay off. Only in your own mind but still. We find what pleasures we can in this damned life.

4.) I am definitely sure that the only reason Lucas never had Indiana Jones do advertisements for Cool Whip is that Harrison Ford threatened Lucas’ life so that it would not happen.

5.) Sometimes when people claim really gross-looking foods are “great if you just try it”, I wonder if they know deep down that they are gross but are just boring people looking for a lie that makes them sound interesting.

6.) If you can’t handle me at my age of foolishness, you don’t deserve me at my age of wisdom. If you can’t handle me at my epoch of incredulity, you don’t deserve me at my epoch of belief. If you can’t handle me at my season of Darkness, you don’t deserve me at my season of Light.

7.) Every time I hear someone mention “sous vide” the chances of my ever cooking that way goes down by a few percent. At first, it sounded kind of interesting but with every added mention, it sounds more and more like you can only do it with tweezers while listening to the Lumineers.

8.) We should really call contractions “birthquakes”.

9.) Too often I apologize to people because they had to help me instead of thanking them for helping me. It’s a thing I’m working on and it’s a thing that probably says a lot more about my psychology than I’d care to admit.

10.) So I sing to Ollie, to the tune of “Goody Two Shoes”: Fat dog, fat dog, little little fat dog/don’t sit, don’t stay, what do you do?/don’t sit, don’t stay, what do you do?/you don’t go when I say to do/your brain is broken somehow

11.) An app where you, as a super-villain, can find comedy henchmen called Bumblr.

12.) The fortune cookie said that my prime could come at any point in my life and so to just embrace it whenever. Like, damn, that is encouraging and depressing in like fifteen ways each.

13.) Maybe Swiss Chalet can be, like, any kind of chalet in a pinch. I have no ideas how many different kinds of chalet they are but, yeah, it can serve the purpose of any chalet to a certain threshold.

14.) Nothing has ever tasted better by also tasting of hazelnut. You just think it does, either as the main thing tastes so good or as the addition of hazelnut gives you an excuse to eat it. When you can own up to straight smearing chocolate on your toast, you’ll quit Nutella forever.