a particularly large barrage of particularly weird ideas in idea barrages

1.) Let us invent fake international soccer teams to pretend to root for when surrounded by soccer hipsters this World Cup. Brusseldorf FC. Shaumport United. Futbol Arzelea.

2.) In your present-day reboot of THE NATURAL, he won’t call his magic baseball bat “Wonderboy” but rather “Bat Penetar”.

3.) A great way to anger retro-videogame fanboys is to pretend that you believe F-ZERO was the prequel to a game called F-ONE.

4.) The world’s greatest bigfoot trumpet player at any given time is given the title Sasqmo.

5.) “Doctor, what is it?” “Janet, I’m afraid the tests show you have… morbid curiousity?” “Oh God!” Janet replied, “What’s that, can it kill me?”

6.) once yon knave was heard to mention
Earth hath for me no good intention
of the Lord’s most piercing daggers
I mineself fear not, anon

quick of wit she neither seemed
digits splay’d out in-between
forming letter L’s crude visage
forehead hand was laid upon

what ho, thou an all-star art
tend thy business, collect thine moneys
who ho, art a true bard
tend thy business, collect thine honeys
the realm’s coin is all that doth shine
to one’s self be true, you’ll be fine

7.) C. Thomas. C. Thomas Howell. C. Thomas Howell run. Run, C. Thomas, run.

8.) If you become close with Willem Dafoe, you’re allowed to call him William Dafriend.

9.) The first rule of Book Club is that you better bring enough wine to share with everyone at Book Club.

10.) One of the low-key horrors of social media is the way it trivialized away whatever power was left to the idea of a petition.

11.) Former ABC Weekend Special spokesman “Captain O.G. Readmore” was actually christened Original Gangster Readmore and “Captain” was only an affectionate nickname as, five years before his hiring by ABC, he had already ascended to the admiralty.

12.) The sheer will of 10 million techdouche fanboys pretending that Elon Musk’s Tony Stark instead of “the idiot scion to an emerald empire raised under Apartheid” is the only thing that animates his terrible fleshwad at this point. Whenever Elon Musk tweets, anyone holding an Ayn Rand novel gets an erection. Yes, even women. I don’t know how it works either. It is the magic of Elon Musk.

13.) We all go through this life scathed and unscathed in our own particular ways. One man’s bildungsroman is another’s gotterdammerung, is another’s mild inconvenience, is another’s unhealable wound. We’re all equipped for different tolerances and tasks. Try to be kind.

14.) After the wild success of “23 Skidoo” as a saying, they tried to follow it up with “24 Skidoo” but it never quite caught on. The less said about the later even-less-well-received prequel “22 Skidoo” the better.

15.) If you can’t be funny without cruelly punching down in a marketplace that rejects the comedy of punching down, that’s on the creative limitations of the comic, not the audience. Audience taste evolved & some comics choose to lazily complain instead of getting better at comedy.

16.) There was a brief worldwide cocaine shortage that coincided with the filming of MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE.

17.) Your strategy card video game based on the intellectual properties of “You Can’t Do That On Television” will be called Barthstone. “What do you think’s IN the mana?”

18.) Your book about hiding from Nazis inside of a rainbow will be called THE DIARY OF LISA FRANK.

19.) The International House of Pancakes changed its name to The International House of Bad Publicity Stunts.

20.) No one ever ate a Tide pod thinking it was candy, though it was done as an ironic prank, no one ever ate bubble gum with spider eggs in it, no one ever actually bought an album by Train, these urban legends were all just made up so as to help you feel better about yourself.

21.) If you can’t join the Free Masons, you can always try the Discount Masons, the Regular-Price Masons, the Deluxe Collectors-Edition Masons or the Surprisingly Expensive Masons.

22.) Seeing all the Fathers Day cards in the store today, ugh, I can’t say it doesn’t hurt. I move forward but I can’t say that it doesn’t hurt.

23.) Norman Lear had a fallout shelter filled with issues of “Betty & Veronica” to preserve their cultural value in case of nuclear war, that’s what how he ended up naming his character “Archie Bunker”.

24.) What has four legs, two arms and screams “HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!” as its war cry? Pat Benetaur.