ma17 in idea barrages

1.) Investing in fall-out shelter companies is just setting yourself up for failure.

2.) A word doctor can help you determine if you over-complicate your punctuation with a simple semicolonoscopy.

3.) Most people will be offended when you refer to crucifixion as “cross-stitching” but the people who aren’t will be keepers as friends.

4.) If you ever see a giant inflatable man floating through the sky, don’t worry, they just shot that off at a Pig Floyd show.

5.) At the end of your 15 minute rap about Lysol, respond to your confused listeners by saying “Oh, I thought you meant you wanted a DISINFECTANT track. My mistake.”

6.) Hell yeah, I was singing “WHAT IS DOG, BABY DON’T WOOF ME, DON’T WOOF ME NO MORE” to Ollie, what was I supposed to be doing?

7.) I like to believe that Krypton was actually destroyed via gentrification by his tech-douche uncle Goog-El.

8.) “I’m so old,” you’ll be telling your grandchildren as you’re teaching them to fashion crude stone tools in the caverns you retreated to so as to be shielded from the radiation, “I can remember when you could tell the difference between the news and a satire of the news”.

9.) Science has determined that the most effective insult on twitter is to call someone “Edgelord Scissorhands”.

10.) COME TO THE BARK SIDE, Bark Vader said, WE’VE GOT WOOFIES.

11.) Your video game about conspiracy theories will be called MASONIC THE HEDGEHOG. The DLC will be the Bilderberger Group Build-A-Level Editor.

12.) Not saying coming up with the 5,000th different flavor of Oreo is morally wrong, just saying, it’s weird people spend so much of their internet time generating promotion for a huge company gratis. Enjoy your rhubarb Oreo or whatever but you’re not their P.R. flak, y’know?

13.) TWITTER FIVE THOUSAND YEARS AGO: “Is he saying I BURIED PAUL or CRANBERRY SAUCE?”

14.) Sometimes, facebook showing you stuff from x years ago just feels like a humiliating kick in the crotch. Like “hey, this was the fun you thought you were having before it all fell through! weren’t you dumb for thinking your life was going to continue like that?” I dunno. I may well be projecting onto a faceless company’s attempts to keep me engaged so that it can mine my data, reading too much into it.

15.) Yes I’m singing “Trans-FOOORRR-MER, heturnsfromatruckintoarobotman, a lazer pew-pew blam” to the tune of Snow’s INFORMER. Why wouldn’t I be?

16.) I hope Bjork’s kids go into music too so that we can say “oh, she’s a chip off the old Bjork”.