apr28 in idea barrages

1.) Godzilla caught wind of the locovore movement and started to eat only trains.

2.) You don’t get to be a billionaire doing good things. Maybe you can get to be a billionaire while walling yourself off with plausible deniability from the real horror at the ground floor but that’s the best one could say of billionaires, if they don’t directly SEE the horrors.

3.) If only performance art were bigger in our country, we could have celebrity tie-ins like going to the Outback for a Blue Man Onion.

4.) At this point in our culture, let’s just admit that every single person performatively building themselves up as a “moral leader” is deeply twisted and awful behind closed doors and should be held under suspicion. This seems like the best way to go from here on out.

5.) I’m young enough to be comfortable with the idea of a smart phone, old enough to complain that I have to link it up to my google account if I want to use it as anything more than a phone, that’s the age I am.

6.) The “freedom” of being single is the same kind of “freedom” your bones get to have when there’s no skin or muscle to hold them together. They’re free but motionless and dead on the cold cold ground.

7.) It was his intention to rush a fraternity but he just seemed to keep brocrastinating.

8.) A bird kept yelling NEVERMORE at you? Oh yeah, I know that bird. That’s so raven.

9.) That family’s so proud of their famous pickled preserves that even their DOOR is a jar.

10.) “There’s something in me that has to respond to hypocrisy with hypocrisy,” she admitted, “I cant even.”

11.) If there was ever gonna be a sequel to COCKTAIL, it had better have been called “COCKTAIL 2: STIR CRAZY”.

12.) Your romance novel about a bored housewife who falls in love with her night-school cooking instructor will be called WHISKED AWAY. It will be… unimaginably bad.

13.) With every passing year, less and less people will understand why I sometimes sing to myself “Lack-luster Vid-e-o, WOW, What Indifference!”

14.) If you are the surrogate mother to your own clone, is that a self-inflicted womb?

15.) In film, they don’t call drinking before going out to the bars “pre-gaming”, they call it “establishing shots”.

16.) If you’d told me as a child that every third person was walking around with a “vaporizer” in 2018, I would’ve imagined a scary but thrilling future full of zap guns but, nope. It’s just that now everyone wants their nicotine to taste like cotton candy. What a rip-off timeline.

17.) The nerdiest theme for a prom, of course, would be “pROM: Space Night”.

18.) For Halloween, Carvel should sell a version of Cookie Puss filled with green tinted Boston Creme and sell it as Cookie Pus.

19.) The remnants of the snowbanks have finally melted, even here in the shadows of the Adirondacks but it doesn’t feel like the winter’s gone. It feels like it’s just hiding to get in one more punch before going into hiding for 4 or 5 months. Or maybe that’s just how my heart feels.