apr24 in idea barrages

1.) We need Superman to show up to help the Mueller investigation so we can call this a Constitutional Crisis On Infinite Earths.

2.) She claimed she was working on her addiction to Beanie Babies but we all suspected she was sneaking out behind our backs to Ty one on.

3.) In ways the Dune books & the Lord of the Rings books are mirror-images, explaining the variance in the adaptations of each: LOTR - tight classic tales bogged down by all the tedious world building, DUNE - confusing & sprawling but uplifted by fascinatingly bonkers world building.

4.) Also: there would be worse names for a band than “Lotus Operandi”.

5.) Throughout the history of mankind, there has always been horror, murder, oppression to point out as “hey, maybe this whole humanity thing has gone too far”. Only recently have we been able to walk into a Trader Joes to come to the same conclusion.

6.) Whenever that jerk yells “FREEBIRD!” pretend you misheard them and cover a Stan Freberg song.

7.) Look, Q-Tip box, one of the few truly unvarnished simple pleasures we have left in this Trumpian nightmare is the joy of jamming the swab way too far into our ears and actually getting them clean. I am going to have to respectfully ignore your warnings.

8.) Step One: create an orc character. Step Two: acquire spiked armor. Step Three: UNLEASH THE ORCUPINE!

9.) Your parody of CHERRY BOMB will be about the Green Goblin from Spider-Man. It will be called PUMPKIN BOMB. It will be goddamn glorious.

10.) Your lubricant for new-agers will be called Astral-Glide.

11.) Some people apprentice as a squire, some people just go to knight school.

12.) Is terrible gas a form of lentil illness?

13.) And then there is, of course, the famous Spanish blessing “vaya con dio” which is to say “go with Ronnie James Dio”.

14.) I often tell the dog that he is the most ridiculous thing on Earth, which is absolutely true, but out of fairness I always then note to him that I am the second most ridiculous thing on Earth so we are in good company with each other.

15.) I hope that Guy Fieri’s autobiography is called “Me Myself And Guy: A Journey To The Flavourtown In My Heart”.