mar24 in idea barrages

1.) I will never get over the decades of conservatives yelling about hating the “coastal elites” and then throwing all their chips behind a living collection of stereotypes of a rich guy from New York City, just because he was as racist as they are. You aren’t living that one down.

2.) If you name your band after a city, I will forever make jokes about tickets to your concert actually being plane tickets to that city. I’m just warning you here.

3.) There is a part of me that will always be a teenager because anytime someone who enjoys fast food says “yeah, I had Five Guys yesterday, I left so satisfied” I WILL laugh, loudly.

4.) Real Talk: it is bad enough that people are allowed to sell useless quackery as “natural medicine” but it is racist on top of normal bad when white people then sell that useless quackery as “Eastern medicine”.

5.) Dividing mass by volume is the only true way to manifest density.

6.) Maybe in SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, Buffalo Bill was just trying to get a bikini body too literally.

7.) If a bagged ice company goes bankrupt, do they have a liquidation sale?

8.) If you’re an old like I am, and are reading this on a computer not a cell phone, think about how ridiculous it is that your fingers know where the letters are subconsciously. Type something right now. … I’ll wait. … YOUR HANDS JUST KNEW. Isn’t it kind of frightening?

9.) I’ve always appreciated that Goldblum is a “Jeff” not a “Geoff”. It’s like he understand that he’s the perfect amount of eccentric and that one more touch of quirk like the archaic spelling would totally ruin the whole thing. Go right over the quirk-cliff.

10.) Just like your relationship, your facebook deletion isn’t real until it’s facebook-official, of course.

11.) During the rise and reign of even the worst dictators and monsters, people still gotta eat & sleep. Still have jobs & birthdays, still have sex, still have normal moments of toil & little personal joys. And boy, do the monsters exploit the hell out of our split attentions.

12.) March will go out like a lamb, if you consider “lots of snow” the figurative equivalent of mint jelly, sure. It’s all about how you spin it.

13.) Whoever invented “dabbing” to make suburban white people look stupid, on the one hand, kudos, it is supremely stupid looking. On the other hand, low points for difficulty on this one, we fall for goddamned anything.

14.) The only way Bob Ross could meme more would be if somehow all of his colour-names were more Lovecraftian. “Squamous Green” “Eldritch Green” “Charnel Red” and so on. I guess the liquid white would just be called “The Unnameable”.

15.) 4AM Thoughts: “It’s so weird that youtube’s been around long enough to watch youtube reviewers visibly aging… wait… AM I DOING THAT TOO?”

16.) If you mistake trampling on others, being a threat to others, bullying others, hurting others, taking from others… if you mistake these things for “freedom”, by God, you are what’s wrong with this country, this world, this damned human race.

17.) “Florets” sound like little tiny floors. Broccoli, you’re made up of… “flowerlings”, okay? Broccoli, just agree to this. Tiny floors deserve that word.

18.) You wanna know our problem? The far left: “we won’t support you unless you are completely ideologically pure and will do everything we want immediately”. The entire right: “you can be owned by a foreign dictator and not know how to spell as long as you are racist”. There. Writ. Saw an article on Slate where some idiot was honestly arguing that THIS is the time to primary Dianne Feinstein outta the Senate. Then this whole thing about a tv actor with no political experience trying to oust Andy Cuomo. WE NEED EVEN FLAWED ALLIES RIGHT NOW. NOT. THE. TIME. The early stages of a fascist regime taking root and still, people trying to primary out moderate Democrats instead of focusing on saving our own freedoms and lives. These failed Bernie Bros, we’ll be getting put on trains to work camps and they’ll be arguing over front row.

19.) “Promposals” & elaborate baby gender reveals & God knows what else. We’re creating whole new ritual sets, not to demarcate liminal transitions, not to celebrate change, just for another reason to post an “event” on social media. It’s weird watching culture shift in real time.

20.) Only that heartless goddamned moron Rand Paul could read off lists of humanitarian funding to improve other nations that the next generation of terrorists aren’t created and act like he’s telling us about useless pork-barrel waste. THESE ARE THE THINGS GOVERNMENT IS FOR, JACKASS.

21.) The police groups don’t want pot to stay illegal because they think it’s actually bad, they want it to stay illegal because it’s their go-to pretense to get away with harassment and frivolous search. Without the specter of The Demon Weed, they couldn’t get away with as much.

22.) Been growing a little collection of ephemera from “Storytown U.S.A.” as Great Escape used to be called when my folks were kids. It’s fun collecting things that are hard to find and sentimental but of no value to people “flipping valuables”. Money on eBay can’t negate the chase.

23.) Someone get a picture of a bunch of toy versions of Gary Gnu from The Great Space Coaster and plaster “FAKE GNUS!” on it, we might have ourselves a meme.

24.) “Jesus!” the mother said “Stop biting at your nails!” “I can’t,” her son responded, “I have to get off this cross somehow!”

25.) Had a vision of Andre the Giant waking up in the back of Samuel Beckett’s pick-up truck, again, in the fields of France, wondering how he was young again, how they were there again, why they were speaking English and Beckett replying that they were both in some American’s story.

26.) I want a Germanic or Eastern European metal band like Laibach or Rammstein to do a punishing metal cover of “Piano Man” called “Nietzche’s Piano Man or Piano Superman”.