fe25 in idea barrages

1.) The fact that the porno movie awards aren’t called The Peephole’s Choice Awards is one of our culture’s great hidden sins.

2.) I swear to God, actual cable news headline “Is Arming Teachers A Good Idea?” asking it like it’s a sane or rational question. NO OF COURSE IT ISN’T. That’s as responsible a headline as “Should We Let The Rich Eat Babies If They Pay The Parents Well?” What the hell, journalism.

3.) Nothing makes you wonder how anyone sane could enjoy hunting more than the gross and solemn act of cleaning up a deer that died of some natural cause in your backyard so that the wolves don’t come.

4.) Your album of prog rock covers of Star Wars scores will be called “Grand Moff Tarkus”.

5.) What no one understood about Barney is that “super-dee-duper” is actually the name of an unspeakably foul sex act in Dinosaurese.

6.) I hope that when the anthropologists find the fragmentary records of our age, they think Masonic Temples were about worshiping the Hedgehog god of speed.

7.) An alternate take on Sesame Street where Big Bird’s delusion-conjured “imaginary friend” Snuffleupagus drives him to kill, Son of Sam-style. Of course you’d hope he’d kill Elmo but Big Bird having murdered Mr. Hooper in an amnesiac hallucinatory fugue state is more thematic.

8.) Your rom-com about the Vatican prom will be called SISTINE CANDLES. It will, of course, be terrible.