New Year brings a new entry (finally) w/ pics in My Metamorphosis

Whoops. Five months ago I wrote saying I’d write more, and here we are. I blinked and it’s January. So much has happened since I wrote last. For anyone who’s followed me since OD or back in the early PB days then you may be familiar with the legal saga that is me and Bradley’s life. It’s funny, because sometimes I forget (now) it all seems so long ago, that this was SUCH a MAJOR part of our lives. That literally dictated every moment of it. That was the root of almost every problem we had financially and maritally. It wasn’t until I stumbled upon a letter the other night that I had written him 5+ years ago, that I remembered how bad it was and far we’ve come in so many ways.

It was a letter I wrote him when he got locked up in the county (for like a week) about 3 months after he got out of prison for a probation violation (–ugh I wish this was OD because I would link the diary entry, it was so raw, I remember writing it like it was yesterday…). Anyways the letter talked about how I didn’t know if I could do this, how I couldn’t foresee any future because we couldn’t afford the bare necessities of life – then I flashbacked to that first winter when he got out. He got out at the end of October.. He didn’t have money to turn on the gas for heat, so we just had to move a space heater his cousin bought him to whatever room we were using. The hot water heater didn’t work, so we had to boil water in big pots on the stove, and then pour them into the bath tub to bathe. It was rough ya’ll. I totally forgot about all that. Not to mention, we couldn’t live together, he couldn’t even be around Cassidy! Now we get to all be together under one roof and call this our home:

Not bragging. But we’ve come a long way from the hood where Bradley’s house got foreclosed on. Anyways, in the letter I also talked about how I wasn’t sure I could do this because how could I be with someone who can’t participate in the kids’ school activities and sporting events. And this was the case for a very long time. And unlike the being poor part I forgot about, this part was still a fresh wound. But all that has changed. On October 5th Bradley and I went to court and within a matter of minutes the judge signed the first offender order. Meaning Bradley’s name is free and clear. He has no charges against him. No convictions. No felonies. He can vote for the first time in 10 years. He can possess a firearm. More importantly he can go to Cassidy’s soccer games. He can go to PTA meetings. He can do anything now. All these normal people things that we have longed for for sooooo long, are now a reality. We are normal people now. No more probation. No more random check-ins from his probation officer. No more telling Cassidy “no” when she asks if a friend can spend the night.

Ya’ll we got to decorate our house for the first time for Halloween this year and take Shiloh trick or treating! Then Bradley took Cassidy out to a haunted house that night. Do you know what halloween used to be like for him? He had to get off work early, be in the house before 6:00, all lights out, no pumpkins or anything “inviting” on the porch, no porch lights on, and then he would be checked on multiple times by his PO. So this was a really monumental moment.

Shilohs 1st Halloween vs 2nd, Can’t believe how mature Cassidy looks :/

This was us at Cassidy’s soccer game that same night he became a free man. He was so excited, he went out and bought lawn chairs and was so proud to sit on the sidelines and cheer her on.

In that same letter I also mentioned to him that I was giving him two years to get his shit together and get off of probation or I was gone lol. I wrote that in January 2012. So it took three years longer than my deadline. ¯_(ツ)_/¯. Oops. I also wrote that we need to stop fighting so much. I wrote that looking through our texts all it was was arguments and we (or I) need to stop running out of the house when we’re mad. I totally don’t even remember that. That seems like another lifetime. And so dumb. So foolish. Petty. I know it’s part of the maturation process. The two of us just laughed at that part, thinking back about how dumb we acted and just immature. How unhealthy our relationship was. OMG. If I look at our texts now, it’s sweet or funny emojis and memes. We’re far from perfect but I’d say we’ve got a pretty good relationship. It was worth all the shit I just talked about. All the restrictions, the legal constraints, the financial hardships, the trust issues. We managed to work through it all and I’m really happy I stuck it out.

Another thing I wrote in the letter was my concern about not being able to have a “bradley junior” lol. And here we are now, with my little man Shiloh. Who is 16 months old!!!

He is growing up so fast! Good lord he’s a handful, but I am loving watching his learn and grow and develop into this sweet little person. Cassidy… is.. well she’s a teenager. We finally broke down and got her a cell phone for Christmas because apparently she was the last 8th grader on Earth who didn’t have one :(. She just got all her hair cut off this past Saturday and she looks so grown up:

And she also looks very much like her biological dad which really annoys me. eye roll. He randomly texted me like a month ago to “check” on her, I haven’t even opened up the text. O_o. There was a time my heart would skip a beat when he would call. When I wouldn’t leave the house or get on the internet (dial up days LOL) JUST in case he might call. Now I just wish he would drop off the face of the planet so Bradley could adopt her and be done with it. Not that he bothers me much. We are “friends” on Facebook, which provides a few good laughs. Also can be annoying seeing all the cruises and stuff he goes on yet doesn’t bother paying a measly $250 in child support…

But anyways aside from this impromptu reflection back on my relationship with Bradley, my life has been completely overwhelming. I am balls deep in my dietetic internship. I’m a little over a third of the way done with it and almost done with my first rotation, which is the hardest most intense portion. After next week I will be moving on to School Nutrition and will be working with an RD in a neighboring county. I’m nervous, but I’m just ready for this thing to be over with (7 more months....).

In the midst of that we are trying for a baby with no luck yet. It took a while with Shiloh, so I’ve been worried it might take a while or not happen at all. I have been using my ovulation app and taking my ovulation tests to make sure we’re hitting the right days. Then last month, I knew I was pregnant, I just knew it. But about a week before my usual period (that comes not the same day every.single.month) weird stuff starting happening. I won’t go into the gory details but turns out I had a chemical pregnancy :(. Makes me sad/annoyed/frustrated. Like I just don’t get it. Like, what the hell is wrong with me? How could I get knocked up like the second I lost my virginity (with Cassidy), and then struggle for a good year to get Shiloh. And I know we just started actively trying for this one three cycles ago, but it’s still annoying. I haven’t been on birth control in years. Years! Anyways....trying to stay positive and not dwell on it. I am blessed to have the two I have and if that’s it for us, that’s okay. Okay I really need to go back to work now. This entry was all over the place. Hopefully it wasn’t too hard to understand… a few more pics before I go..

This was Cassidy’s first Christmas when I was a teen vs this year when she was a teen!

Christmas Eve

Runaway bunny during the Christmas pageant LOL. I was yelling to Bradley “get him!!!”

Last year Christmas vs this year Christmas - thankfully about 30+ lbs diff :/

My boys… I love these two :)