n28 in idea barrages

1.) Name your line of panties “DMs” so that we can make the “sliding into your DMs” jokes on Twitter literal.

2.) Someday if we still get a future, they will look upon the NFL the same way we look upon the Roman gladiators, as a barbarous decadent blood-sport slowly killing off the cream of the underclass to entertain the rest of it. But good news! We’ll probably destroy ourselves first!

3.) Name your beer “Aweso” so your catch-phrase can be “AWESO ME!”

4.) Next month, evangelicals will be screaming at you for saying “Happy Holidays!” because the “reason for the season” is a young migrant named Jesus while they clamor to cruelly build a wall to keep out young migrants named Jesus.

5.) The fake president simply misheard the call is all, Trump is certainly the crime-man of 2017.

6.) Call your play ASPERSIONS so that when you put out a call for actresses and actors you can be all “Casting Aspersions!”

7.) Maybe all this horror was unavoidable, perhaps the die was cast for us back when we allowed a band called the “Goo Goo Dolls” to be successful.

8.) In Utica, there is a very cheap motel called “Happy Journey Motel” and their logo is just “HJ” and… yeah, I imagine there are some HJs going on there.

9.) Whenever a sign says “Children Under Six Get In Free” I think to myself, it’d be a shame to see that seventh child, forced to pay.

10.) Remember: nearly everything about human culture other than birth, death, sex, sleep, eating, drinking, breathing, peeing and pooping is a construct consciously created by somebody in the last few thousand years. Nearly everything was made up as we went along.

11.) Okay, well, if we really were “intelligently designed” by a sky monster, why can we sneeze and pee at the same time? Very little thought or reason behind that one.

12.) Hauled in on charges of grand theft auto, your defense will be “I’m just like TV’s lovable Hamburglar, except for cars!”

13.) Not that I care much about who European royalty is or isn’t marrying, I’m just saying “Megan Markle” sounds like the civilian identity of a minor Marvel Comics heroine.

14.) Maybe the REAL clones were the friends we made along the way.

15.) Today was also going to be Cylon Monday but then everyone turned out to be a Cylon anyway so it wasn’t as special a thing.

16.) A myth where the first cat stole a handful of Coyote’s beans and so Cat was cursed to have beans for toes forever.

17.) A post-apocalyptic sequel to a Robin Williams movie, THE END OF THE WORLD ACCORDING TO GARP.

18.) The hardest thing to learn about being human is that just because something is true for you doesn’t mean its true for everyone. It’s also the hardest thing to remember, even after you’ve learned it.

19.) After all these consumption-themed days, I long for Regular Tuesday.

20.) If a program is on a desktop or laptop, it’s not an app, it’s a goddamned program. C’mon.

21.) facebook, you keep putting this “games you may like” thing in my feed but by definition, it’s a facebook game, I won’t like it. please. desist.

22.) It’s fine if you love Journey, just don’t go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about it.

23.) The fake president’s rhetorical style could be best summed up as “hate & switch”.

24.) If they overwhelm us with horror so we can only feel sadness or rage, they have us broken. This is a monstrous time but let yourself find love in the cracks, let yourself find laughter in the corners, this is gonna be a long bitter fight, allow yourself to breathe and push on.

25.) Do you ever feel like an unpaired sock, floating alone in the abandoned laundromat drier of life? I’m asking for a friend.