o28 in idea barrages

1.) When a man learns how to learn how to hold his pee, it’s called “hegels”.

2.) Today I finally realized: babies always look really stoned.

3.) Trick or treat, smell my tweets, tell me that I’m good to read. (If you don’t, I’ll get pissed, I’m a raging narcissist.)

4.) A sucker may be born every minute but the real money’s in the suckers who’ve been alive too long to know better.

5.) Gotta love the dumbest lowest level of conspiracy theories where they just name a bunch of businesses and end with a question mark.

6.) There are probably things that are funnier than Porky Pig swearing but I sure can’t think of them right now.

7.) Beard oil is the kind of thing The Onion would make up to mock hipsters then scrap the article when they found out it was real.

8.) My “obese Gambit” cosplay will be called BIG DEAL.

9.) Debating the origins of Super Mario Brothers 2 can quickly devolve into a dorky dorky panic.

10.) mournful train horn wails on through the valley, undercut by screeches of its metal kissing metal, joyous as it wears itself away

11.) Lifehack: your rice turned out too soggy? just throw a few iPhones into the cooker to absorb the excess moisture!

12.) In this set of dreams, I witnessed the heat deaths of several consecutive universes and manipulating some surviving matter or data into translating to the next one so that there would be another attempt at existence. Everything kept going wrong but everything was beautiful for a while so hanging onto that, I endeavoured to try and force another try. Randomizing the data, randomizing the people and ideas and structures, hoping to find a way to make the good times last.

13.) Pretending that sociopathy is forgivable for talent or success, pretending that sociopathy is intrinsic to talent or success, is one of the terrible myths our society is built upon. It would be worth tearing the whole thing down to remove that cancer, I reckon. A lack of empathy is a hideous persistent mutation upon the survival skill of making the hard choices but still caring. Let’s eradicate it.

14.) Stoner rock from east of Queens should be called the Bong Island Sound.

15.) Jesus Christ, is my weight named Duncan? BECAUSE IT YO-YOS.

16.) When you say “Samuel L Jackson” quickly, it sounds like a stutter. Is he messing with us? Is that why he uses his middle initial?

17.) If I am forced to pick a stripper or superhero name from the list of generic rip-offs of popular sodas, I gotta go with “Dr. Thunder”.

18.) Name your band “Thoughts And Prayers” so whenever there’s a tragedy the Republicans don’t wanna do anything about, at least you’re trending.

19.) Unless your costume is “A Republican Hack Pretending That Doing Oppo Research Is An Unheard-Of Scandal”, prithee shut yon mouth, squire.

20.) If I ran the internet, pictures of happy couples would be banned until I am part of one again. Just so you know.

21.) If I had a Jabba The Hut costume lying around, I’d put that on, carry around some fake Golden Globes (aren’t they all) and say I’m Harvey Weinstein.

22.) Steal a bunch of Catholic communion hosts from church, put ‘em in rolls and pass them out on Halloween as “plain” Necco wafers.

23.) CUZ DOWNTOWN PUNK GONNA TAKE IT FROM YA, CUZ DOWNTOWN PUNK GONNA TAKE IT FROM YA, CUZ DOWNTOWN PUNK GONNA TAKE IT FROM YA, suburb kids got a train to catch, safety-pin on the patch!