s17 in idea barrages

1.) I just want a killer ape to go loose at a tech expo and some developer screaming “You wanted a killer APP?” as he’s clawed to death.

2.) A Star Wars parody of “Chantilly Lace” about Antilles, Wedge?

3.) There’s a crossover pitch in the notion that maybe Garfield hates Mondays because Solomon Grundy murdered his family.

4.) I’m trying to let go of nostalgia without letting go of being sentimental. The second one’s fine, the first one is a real mind killer.

5.) Driving a Lincoln Mercury around a hippydippy neighborhood with “RTROGRD” plates would probably make ‘em crap their yoga pants.

6.) Rose’s life of family and adventures must not have been so good if, at death, all she sees is a stinky dude she smashed on a boat at 20.

7.) If star wars interest ever wanes, disney has the rip-cord of de-canonizing the prequels and cashing in on new competently-made prequels.

8.) The best leaders can see and admit to their flaws and mistakes, too bad everyone wants to be led by someone they can pretend is perfect.

9.) If you’re celebrating Hanukkah in Japan, can you sing “Hava Nigiri” at dinner? ONE DAY OF SUSHI THAT LASTS FOR EIGHT DAYS!

10.) Ego & grievance are the levers they use to trick you into hating those who’d do the most good. Doing good matters more than your narrative.

11.) I’ve blown more chances at good things before 40 than most folks get in 100 lifetimes. But maybe it means I’ll get one I don’t screw up yet.

12.) Your porn spoof of “It Came From Outer Space” is easy to title, you don’t have to change any words, just a well-placed comma.

13.) If I’m ever a television judge, I’m not gonna have a gavel, I’m just gonna have a guy who screams “GAVEL GAVEL GAVEL!” when I point at him.

14.) Captain Kirk getting old enough to be an ancient crank who rails against social justice on Twitter is a good argument against immortality.

15.) “We want socialized medicine but we hate the first person to seriously bring it up so we let a Nazi be president” is a weird hill to die on. The entire bashing-Clinton industry was decades of the medical-insurance complex fearing her ability to socialize medicine and eventually the left bought it.

16.) Trump is a confidence man first and a racist second. There is no other ethos in there, as Republicans are finally figuring out too I s’pose.

17.) If I was a billionaire, I’d start a business with the initials C.T.E. and start buying up football stadium naming rights for it.

18.) I’m not trying to bring “rad” back, I’m just letting you know it never left.

19.) Were The Juggalos chanting “WE ALL FLOAT DOWN HERE”? If not, why is anything anything?

20.) The weird thing is that the line between Cultural Appreciation and Cultural Appropriation is bold & wide to everyone but the appropriators.

21.) Being on Twitter makes you feel like Mycroft Holmes except instead of crunching facts for The Crown, sifting through the ashes of a culture.

22.) Dear twitter, you understand that no one has ever clicked on “Moments” for any non-accidental reason ever, right?

23.) Were fans of pitcher Al Leiter called Leiter-Day Saints?

24.) The swiftness with which a cat can shift from engaged to utterly goddamned bored impresses even we millenials.

25.) The more I hear about the Chainsmokers, the happier I am that I’m too old than to have ever heard their music.

26.) ad pitch: “You got retrograde in my Mercury! You got Mercury in my retrograde! Two made-up things that mean nothing together!”

27.) Are electronic remixes of DONKEY KONG music “chimptune”?

28.) You know your basket collection has gotten out of hand when you’ve got a tule shed.

29.) Leaving unimaginative people in charge is why they’re called “helicopters” instead of “skyblenders”.