j28 in idea barrages

1.) Not sex, not graduation, not religious rite, the moment you realize the crust’s the best part of the bread is the day you are an adult.

2.) How do you fix a Zip drive? With a compression bandage.

3.) OH HAI MARK, he said/and smiled in that special way/OH HAI MARK, he said/you know it’s Johnny

4.) Hoarding Hamburger Helper can be Hamburger Enabling, bordering on Hamburger Codependency.

5.) I’ve been calling the fake president “Game Show Host” but I’m thinking of switching to “Scumdog Millionaire”.

6.) Advantages we still have: we are far more diverse and spread out as a people than in Germany or Italy in the 1930s. Advantages we still have: while these fascists are as cruel and inhumane as the Nazis, they are stupider and profoundly less organized.

7.) The breadth of my anger at people who put short-term self-interest ahead of the good of their fellow humans is boundless depthless infinite. I still believe in humanity, in general, but the cruelty of the born-rich can go jump into a lake of fire and fry.

8.) I don’t want to be screaming at people who think poor people don’t deserve health care. I want to be writing jokes about Cinematic Universes. I want to be writing jokes like “Will the sequel to the Emoji Movie be the Gif Movie kicking off The Internet Concepts Cinematic Universe?”

9.) Remember your rage at the attempted murder of millions with “Skinny Repeal” and use it to push the Kremlin bastard Trump out.

10.) For all the terrible celebrity child names out there, Ben Stiller could’ve at least named his kid Ben Stillest.

11.) When a man’s nipples turn into little T-Rexes, that’s just dinomastia.