j21 in idea barrages

1.) Here’s the thing, Trump isn’t confessing his crimes out of idiocy, it’s out of the belief no one will meaningfully challenge him. He’s a goddamn Bond villain.

2.) No one actually likes Vegemite or Marmite, they only exist to play tricks on dumb Americans.

3.) If anyone wants to do a parody of Wagon Wheel to mess with “alt-right” shitheads with the chorus “hey mama, cuck me” the idea is yours.

4.) I have noticed some people pronounce “Smores” as “Sah-MORES” and I just want them to get help.

5.) I wonder how often during one-night stands, actresses and actors get called the names of characters they played during coitus.

6.) The characters on FRIENDS were far worse human beings than the ones on SEINFELD but conventional looks shape the narrative.

7.) As a child, Dr. Frankenstein’s mother said “if you make a face, it might stick that way” and he totally misunderstood what she meant.

8.) A painting of poker cards playing with dogs. Tossing them balls or bones. Scratching their bellies and what not.

9.) In the 2050s, after the Great Facepaint Shortage, there will be wars in the streets between the KISS Army and the Juggalos.

10.) Whenever someone mentions “baby oil” ask “how do they get them to not wiggle out of the press?”

11.) The few single women I do meet are either too young or I’m too unsettled in my life for & online dating services are worse than being alone.

12.) Business people are bad at government and when someone runs for office on “business experience” that needs to be an instant red flag.

13.) Hand-writing is as wonderfully mortal as we are. All the words in the Cloud could be a curiosity in a technology museum in a thousand years.

14.) I like love poems like I like my mini-vans. Rumi.

15.) If you believe a death card doesn’t mean death, then the Tarotists have already won.

16.) “Freebird” and “Baby, I Love Your Way” are basically the same song.

17.) I want a superhero whose power is art-house film named Bergman.

18.) I think a Trumprussia Twitterbot is trying to troll me and I feel like I just caught the world’s shittiest Pokemon.

19.) I’m low-knowledge about the bands the kids listen to so, like, where are they taking Sunday back to, exactly? Roman Times? Dinosaurs?

20.) You are merely an easel, an enema bag and some non-toxic paint away from being literally artsy-fartsy.

21.) If you are a very short pro-wrestler, just own it, put on a cowboy gimmick and enter to the tune of “I’ve Got Friends In Low Places”.

22.) We’re three-Spidey-boots in and still the best physical representation of the Green Goblin was in “Maximum Overdrive”.