the ides of july in idea barrages

1.) An alien studying our culture assumes that a marriage license is a license to hunt the married and hilarity ensues.

2.) A lesbian clown purchases a clone so she can eat herself silly.

3.) Popeye is actually a sea monster taking the form of a person, the pipe is his genitals and the toot is how he spreads his spores.

4.) In this set of nightmares, I had married into a family that was kind of a cross between THE ADDAMS FAMILY and ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT except they knew magic and… my wife had gotten sick of my mundane influence and they were writing me out of their lives with their magic and… I was just barely able to beg my way into still existing and still having my memories, just being gone now, by being pitiable. So I moved back into the normal and survived but didn’t know what to do with myself. Then I woke up.

5.) Schrodinger’s Cat AKA Schrodie has been charged with possession of unlicensed radioactive materials. Wanted. Dead or Alive?

6.) The only person who should worry about their beach body is the Spider-Man villain Sandman. Everyone else, just do you do.

7.) Everytime I see a story about the basketball player Rondo, I hope the story is about B-movie actor Rondo Hatton and end up disappointed

8.) If Nintendo had ANY kind of sense of humour, “It’s Dangerous To Go Alone, Take This” Zelda condoms would make them millions.

9.) The past is the only decoder key we have with which to understand the present and, hopefully, avoiding the worst of the futures.

10.) When you shorten “copy and paste” as “C&P”, I read it first as “see and pee”. It is important that you know this.

11.) I just heard of the “male kegel” and I hope the word for that is “megel” because that’s funny as hell. Megel! Megel!

12.) Now that it is like thirty or forty years later, did Jimmy ever manage to eat world or what?