may 23 in idea barrages

1.) The machine would give you the soda, then you’d push a button, then you’d put in the money. The machine was out of order.

2.) After he blurted that he stored his wang in a parallel dimension she replied “That came out of nowhere.”

3.) “Three more reps, Lucifer, two more reps, Baphomet!” he yelled, exercising his demons.

4.) Hamburglar’s food addiction started w/ his ancestor Barney’s obsession w/ Cocoa Pebbles. He even mutters his family name “rubble rubble”.

5.) If the Millennium Falcon’s is landing without engines, does that make it a Han Glider?

6.) Hope for the best, expect the worst, hope for the best, assume the worst, hope for the best, be deeply shocked by anything but the worst.

7.) I call every blonde skeleton Barbie on Fox News “Taylor Swiftboat” by the by.

8.) Taste testing for the best and freshest herbs for your restaurant can get thyme-consuming.

9.) Try out this pick up line: “Are you a pilgrim? Because I think you should settle for me.”

10.) Expression’s not “art” until you release it to interpretation. Art’s a process of expression’s interrogation not the expression ex niliho.

11.) Your stage name when DJing EDM for kids will be Duplo.

12.) When Garfield was just a kitten, his parents were murdered by Monday in a botched robbery after a screening of ZORRO. True fact. Look it up.

13.) Being a restaurant critic is probably all about the day you can finally write the headline “Teppanyaki? More Like TEPPAN-YUCKY!”

14.) You can call it a “fruit peeler” but if you wanna feel better about it, call it an APPLING HOOK.

15.) If you have any spare wishes you’re holding onto, don’t keep ‘em in a shampoo bottle, lest you end up with bathtub djinn.

16.) The restaurant said it served things “family style” but there was actually very little loudly cursing at each other.

17.) A high-five between short people is called a “medium five”.

18.) When I’m hungry, I can make all the ravioli disappear. It’s pastadigitation.

19.) When making tiny pastas, you gotta be penne wise and pound foolish.

20.) Hit on a librarian like “Excuse me, did you put Great Expectations up on that high shelf? Because if you lowered them, we could be a thing.”