423 in idea barrages

1.) If something’s in the back of the fridge for a while, you can pretend you ate it over the last few days even through you ate it all at 3AM.

2.) Tell the artist “Oh man, that was great! That was the best satire of an artist who thinks he’s deep I’ve seen in a while!” See what happens.

3.) Espionage by foreign dictatorship hiding itself under the cloak of free speech demeans free speech, demeans the notion of democracy.

4.) If there’s ever a holiday about me, have people leave microwave pizza and hot sauce out for me the night before, though popcorn will do.

5.) I’m sorry for all the things I dropped out of forgetfulness or anxiety. I am occasionally a goddamn treasure but a lot of the time I’m not.

6.) If your faith’s a force of good, sacrilege will make it stronger, strip away the magic & ritual, back down to just being good to each other.

7.) Even if climate change WERE a conspiracy hoax to bring down the fossil fuel billionaires, I’d still be for it because those guys are jerks.

8.) Every time I hear about a dirt bike accident I think, wouldn’t it have been safer if the bike was made out of metal instead of dirt?

9.) It’s not because you’re beautiful, you know, even though you are, achingly so. But that fact is just a lovely afterthought.

10.) I want a languid Blur song where the chorus goes “pretty lady, on the teevee/won’t you teach me/how to cut an onion”.

11.) A notebook of all the things he did wrong he’d forgiven himself for. The things he couldn’t forgive himself for not doing filled a library.

12.) When the Lombards and Normans rose up against the Byzantine Empire in 1017, the Byzantines were probably like “goddamn Millenials”.

13.) If your personal standard is perfection, you will never know success or fulfillment for a single moment of your life.

14.) I understand vaping with a lower case “v” if smoking’s your thing. I don’t understand capital “V” Vaping Culture at all, though.

15.) Slap “gluten-free” stickers on your bagged ice. See if it’ll sell for a higher price!

16.) The way youtube framed the titles, it looked like there was an America’s Test Kitchen about “Bee Stew”. I thought… that’s… weird.

17.) I wonder how many people got away with calling Vincent Price “Vinnie”.