416 in idea barrages

1.) Omit a single comma and suddenly Bill and Ted are partying on the back of a giant Jeffrey Lebowski.

2.) Step 1. Create a really smooth cheese sauce. Step 2. Name it “The Velveteen Rarebit”. Step 3. All the money.

3.) The Canadian version of “sorry not sorry” is “sawhree genuinely sawhree”.

4.) Your collection of Minor Threat covers in the style of a high school marching band will be called Majorette Threat.

5.) “A White House controlled by Vladimir Putin’s coup is about to nuke North Korea and the… BABY GIRAFFE SO CUTE!”

6.) No matter your opinion on the music, you have to admit “David Matthew Band” sounds like the name of a 70s serial killer. THE PUKASHELL KILLER STRIKES AGAIN. When he gets killed in prison, it’s ABERCROMBIE AND SNITCH.

7.) The idea that JFK wasn’t killed by a gun but by a tiny food processor sold on infomercials is The Magic Bullet Theory.

8.) The past is not prologue, it is the unfocused overly-explained cash-in prequel. The real classic starts now.

9.) This Easter, reflect upon how the fake president promised strident Christians he’d kick out all the Middle Easterners and guys named Jesus.

10.) “If it’s yellow let it mellow” is a lie concocted by fetishists who like having pee splash on their butts.

11.) Jesus loves me this I know, his fine yard-work tells me so, every week he cuts my lawn, that is why I sing this song

12.) “Giffing” sounds like a sex act that I wouldn’t personally be into but would probably drive a small number of people wild.

13.) I’m sure someone’s always written a sci-fi story about space-folders being exploited by an app but if not, I’d call it “PORTR”.

14.) See, I kind of like the notion that for The Light Side of The Force to do good work, the “Jedi” have to end. That appeals to me.

15.) I like to believe that had a weird fetish culture grown up around Care Bears instead of My Little Pony, they’d’ve been called “Carobs”.

16.) When the Vogt-Kampf Test starts to fail, we’ll still have licorice jellybeans to sort out the inhuman monsters who’d like them.

17.) The fact that I’ve never watched THE WIRE, GAME OF THRONES or THE WALKING DEAD actually makes me a valuable control group, holmes.

18.) Good luck prosecuting the moon for a man being dragged away by the tides. Oh, I blame the moon too but it won’t fit in a courtroom.