A 2017 Update Finally. *pics* in My Metamorphosis

I really need to start updating more. I guess I say that every entry. In my last entry I had just turned 30 and my maternity leave was coming to an end :(. I was seriously hoping to just stay at home. And I guess we could have figured out a way to make that work, but I ended up going back on December 1st. It was a hard adjustment at first, the hardest part was dealing with day care. Since I procrastinated, we ended up having to settle on a random day care that actually had an opening, since all the ones I liked had waiting lists. We had some issues at first, but I’ve grown to really like one of Shiloh’s “teachers.” And I’ve also gotten back into the groove at work. I am preparing to submit my application for the dietetic internship at work. I have to complete an accredited internship before I can sit for my board exam to become an RD. It’s been a lot of work, but it’s gotta be done.

Anyways. Christmas was ok? There were some high points and some really low points. I was looking forward to Shiloh’s first Christmas, and that part was good. The worst part was realizing me and Bradley were so out of touch with each other. One of the things I’ve always loved about him is how thoughtful and intuitive he is. He’s one of those guys who will listen to something you say in passing and remember it and then surprise you with a gift without you having to tell them specifically. But now, not so much. For Christmas he thought it’d be a good idea to give a postpartum mom workout stuff that I never asked for! He got me wireless earphones and a workout armband thing for my phone.

O_o

There was several issues with this. One, I never once insinuated I wanted anything work out related. Yes, I want to lose weight. BUT I’ve been doing that by eating right, I don’t have time for the gym. When I do (did) workout, it was in our home gym in our garage. Which has a bluetooth speaker, hence no need for earphones/armband. But, since returning to work, I don’t even have the time/energy to work out at all. My time is so limited when I get home from work, the last thing I want to do is leave my baby and go spend an hour+ at the gym, or even in the garage. I just kind of felt like the gift was thoughtless and thrown together at the last minute. It hurt my feelings. Like he doesn’t know me at all. Why would you think I want these things? He also got me a Yeti cup. Now THAT was a great gift. Why? Because my coffee cup had broken and I kept saying I wanted one but didn’t want to spend the money. He listened to me. I don’t know. It just really bothered me how out of sync we were.

Anyways, we talked about it. He thought I was mad because he didn’t buy a big elaborate gift. No. That pissed me off too. Like when have you ever known me to be materialistic like that? Never! That’s not me. I guess the point is we’ve been on two different wavelengths. I also (at the time) had a lot of pent up frustration against him. The distribution of duties was so unequal. I already felt overwhelmed while on maternity leave, and once I returned to work it only got worse. I was doing EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. Pickup/drop off from day care, dressing him for day care, getting his bottles and bag ready, bathing him, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc etc on top of 40+ hours a week of work with a longer commute than him. I got so frustrated to the point that at a church Christmas party at the preacher’s house I got drunk on wine and started ranting to the entire congregation about it! I have no recollection about it, BTW, but apparently I was just going on and on about what a POS Bradley was. Whoops.

But, since then, Bradley has totally stepped it up! And I don’t mean things changed for a week and then everything went back to me doing it all. Things have been running much more smoothly for the last two months. In fact, now I’m feeling like I’m not pulling my weight. He’s doing a great job as a dad and husband. I was really starting to worry there for a minute, I was angry that he wasn’t the dad he swore he was going to be. He was great with Cassidy, but he was letting me down when it came to the baby. Now things are much better.

Except when it comes to the baby mama/Zion thing. So, Zion spent Christmas and Thanksgiving with us. It was fine, I don’t really have any complaints about that except for the fact Bradley works the whole time Zions here (I mean literally, for the week he was here for Thanksgiving and the Christmas Bradley was only off on Thanksgiving and Christmas day). But Zion behaved fine. So fast forward to a couple weeks ago and Bradley gets a call from Vivian (Zions mom) saying they’re thinking about moving to Michigan (from Atlanta) for better job opportunity yadda yadda. Bradley basically tells her do what ya gotta do. Okay. Then Saturday night he gets a call from Zion and Zion says, “hey my mom says I have until tomorrow to decide if I’m going to move with them to Michigan or move back in with you..”

O_o

Ummm Excuse me? What the actual f? Who is she to give him that option with out running it by us first? And furthermore, why are we even giving this kid that option again? He is too young and too immature it be making major life choices like that. The last time he was given that option all hell broke loose. No, no no no. This is messed up on so many levels. Just no. I’m so pissed Bradley allows this woman to control our lives!!! She should be a NONFACTOR. Who are you?? Whether Zion lives with us or with her, she has complete control and I’m sick of it.

So after that call I voiced how messed up I thought it was that she’d give him that option without so much as consulting us about it. Bradley seemed unbothered. So I went to bed pissed off.

Then the next morning I woke up puking with either a stomach bug or food poisoning or something, but I was deathly ill all weekend and so we didn’t talk about it.

Monday night we get another random call from Zion. This time he says his school is having winter break starting Wednesday (as in yesterday) and he wanted to come stay with us during the break. Umm ok? So you call us Monday night saying you want us to drive 4 hours ONE WAY to pick you up Wednesday. Just like that? We’re supposed to drop everything and rearrange our lives because you said so? And I’m not mad at Zion here. I’m speaking in terms of the “mother”. Like how presumptuous and intrusive can you be? Why do you think this kind of behavior is acceptable? And better yet, why does Bradley continue to ALLOW this to go on? He should tell Zion NO. If you want to come down, we need to have NOTICE. This is not okay. And furthermore, there is no point in him coming here. We will all be working, Cassidy will be at school. No one will be home. Had we known about this in advance, maybe Bradley could have taken some time off, but you give us a days notice as if we don’t have lives.

I hate his baby mama. I hate her.

So I don’t know whats going on with the moving situation or him coming down here for his break. Bradley hasn’t mentioned anything and I haven’t brought it up. But I’m sick of this B having no boundaries and complete control of our lives. I’m over it.

ANYWAYS.............

That aside, the kids are great. Shiloh is 5 and a half months old. He is still exclusively breastfed, we haven’t tried baby foods at all, he’s not showing any signs of interest, so I’m not rushing it. He’s rolling over and trying to scoot/wiggle. He’s just the light of my life. I love him so much. I can’t believe I was so apprehensive about having him. I love him so much!!!

Cassidy is doing great too! She made her middle school soccer team and her first game is today, and she’s a starter! It’s been such a better experience for her this time around. Last season she hated it, her coach didn’t even know her name, she barely played, and had no friends. I’m glad it’s working out better for her because she really does have the talent and I’d hate to see it go to waste.

Overall I’m really happy. I’m not on Zoloft anymore. Through trying to eat better I’m down to about 155, so I’ve lost almost all of the 45-50 pounds I gained during my pregnancy. Still need to lose a good 15-20 pounds. But I’m not stressing about it. It’ll come in due time. Here are a few pics, including some from Shiloh’s baptism:

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