1129 in idea barrages

1.) There is no way to be a Nazi ironically. If someone’s being a Nazi, they’re being a Nazi straight up.

2.) Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii’s way of saying “Really? Cultural appropriation, even at Christmas, do white people have ANY shame?”

3.) You complain that corporate journalism is normalizing horror but… you’re mistaking that as accidental. That’s not a bug, it’s a feature.

4.) What really scares me: Trump is going to be so damned horrible, the civil war that could come from a recount flip might be less disastrous.

5.) Jean-Luc was not one for long goodbyes, he left without further adieu.

6.) Your punk band will always perform in tattered thrift store bridal gowns and will be called VEILED THREAT.

7.) You can’t spell “urine” without “u” and “i”.

8.) The similar sounds of “wash-tub” and “washed-up” seem like something to hang a pun on at a later date.

9.) The wizarding spell to summon terrible pop-punk music so as to torment your enemies is “avril cadavra”.

10.) If we get out of this alive, we’ll need to change a lot of terms in card games because no one wants to declare Pol Pot in a game of Pitch.

11.) It’s like the archer said to the pawn broker, I’ve got no quarrel with you.

12.) the guy up there, that Nazi cock/USURPER/he only won by Putin’s clock/USURPER/USURPER/USURPER

13.) An app that changes the word “populist” in all NY Times articles to “goddamn Nazi”.

14.) Maybe if Reconstruction had been longer & harder & we’d stuck to it, maybe we woulda rooted this cancer out before it came back.

15.) Germany criminalized Nazi support & paraphernalia as a necessary extreme to rebuild clean. Maybe we shoulda done same with the Confederacy.

16.) If I got to name any one fake ailment, it would definitely be “I’m sorry but the tests show you have a jangled rein-heart.”

17.) TRUE FACT: Only Swedish has a single word for “boredom so strong, death would be a welcome release”. That word? “Ikea”.

18.) Step 1: get your pitcher and catcher metallic-brown hats. Step 2: refer to them as the “coppertop battery”. Step 3: ??? Step 3: Profit.

19.) Video games are Skinner Boxes but school’s a Skinner Box, work’s a Skinner Box, love’s one too. Life is a matryoshka nest of Skinner Boxes.

20.) If you need a pen name, just go with “Richard” then pick a foreign-language word for “Pictures” so your name can mean Dick Pics.

21.) My idea for the Bob Marley parody “No Wolfman, Don’t Die” came sadly post-Halloween.

22.) The good news is he said “neccophile” not “necrophile”. The bad news is… you still won’t want him around on Halloween.

23.) If journalism, en masse, had the guts to risk access and be goddamned adults, we could still turn this around, of course.

24.) Here is your mantra, America: “this is not right”. May it be the first line you think upon waking and the last before you sleep at night.

25.) The only place worth being is the place you haven’t been yet. Nostalgia is obsessing over a bad first draft. Re-write, re-write, re-write.

26.) This movie we’re all in has been sorely lacking karmic relief lately.

27.) Your sitcom about Les Claypool setting up as the housekeeper for a suburban single mom will be called WHO’S THE BASS?

28.) I had the dream about sifting through abandoned buildings for evidence of the past after the fall of civilization again.

29.) Lady Jessica, Chani and Alia’s briefly successful musical act was, of course, called “The Spice Girls”.

30.) Another dream where I viciously hunted down a con-man who upsold a loved one an outrageously over-priced salad at a restaurant.