A 30th Birthday Reflection and Pics in My Metamorphosis

Last Monday I turned 30 cringe. I was reading old OpenDiary birthday entries from years past. Yikes. Depressing much? Every birthday entry was pretty much the same - vowing to have a more successful year, complete school, lose weight, get out of my parents house, etc. The most poignant entry was probably from my 17th birthday, written back in 2003 when I found out I was pregnant with Cassidy:

Today is my 17th birthday. I didnt want anything for my
birthday because I havent been the best daughter/sister/friend. But, I
ended up getting something I can never take back and will change (or
fuck up) my life forever. I took the test this morning. Its positive.
I’m fucking pregnant. Pardon me for not jumping for joy, but now my
life is officially over. Al the dreams I’ve had, gone. Being
successful, eliminated. I dont know what Im going to do. My parents
are going to kill me. Hell, Im going to kill me. Im so fucked now. I
dont know what to do, if it were up to me I would get an abortion, but
my boyfriend wont “let” me. He is excited as all hell. I took a test a
few days ago, and it came out positive, I told him about it. He was
estatic. Too damn happy really. I played it off like I was, only
because I did really think I was pregnant. But, now that I’ve taken
this other one, I’m pretty postitive Im pregnant. Damn, I never
thought this would happen. I just started haveing sex. Im so scared. I
dont know what to do. As bad as this sounds I hope I miscarry. I hope
to God I do, becuase I am not ready to support a baby. Im a fucking
kid myself. Oh God, Ive fucked up so bad, but this is the worst. I am
so stupid. I dont know what to do. Help me God,please.

O_O

How sad was that? Fortunately I’ve come a long way since then. What I thought was the biggest mistake of my life ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me, even though it took a while for me to realize that. Reading over my OD entries was a not so pleasant trip down memory lane. (I also realized how long some people on here have been reading me! It’s crazy). It really makes me sad to read some of the shit I wrote.. I was so lost in so many ways, for much of my life - probably until I was 25 or 26.

In 2009 I turned 23. My life was all over the place. I was a month from graduating from college, working at Buffalo Wild Wings, and seriously stuck between the Britney Spears “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman” phase in life. My home life was horrible, my mom was a raging alcoholic, and all I wanted was to find some out, to leave home and never come back. I had just met Bradley a month or two before my birthday, and really cared about him. Right before my birthday I was completely blindsided when I found out he was sentenced to prison for two years.

After he went away I started a tumultuous relationship with a guy named Eric. What a joke. I didn’t realize how terrible that “relationship” was until I was reading over the old entries. I cannot believe I put up with all the disrespect, lies, and abuse. Talk about not knowing your worth. For the bulk of my twenties I’d say the running theme was insecurity, no self-worth, hate towards my mom, and one fucked up relationship after the other. I want to shake my younger self and be like “what the fuck were you thinking? You are so much better than this!!!” I can’t believe I let guys treat me the way I did.

I guess it’s all part of the maturation process. Thank God I am in such a better place now, and have been for the past few years. My 29th year has undoubtedly been the best. I graduated from dietetics school, I started working as a nutritionist for WIC, I managed to get pregnant not thinking I could after the whole cervical cancer scare thing, we bought our first house, and then I gave birth to the most amazing little baby boy ever! It was also the most stable year for us financially, and more importantly, as a couple. We are in such a good place relationship-wise. I am so happy we fought through the hard times because the pay off has been more than worth it.

My 30th birthday was less than eventful. I guess that’s what happens when you get”old”. Doesn’t help that it was on a Monday, and two months post-partum. It was pretty much any old day - Bradley worked, Cassidy was at school, my mom was too busy to stop by and see me, I coached Cassidy’s team that night and we got our butts kicked. I didn’t even get a cake :( Bradley did get me the new Fitbit Charge2 which is what I wanted.

I am trying really hard to lose weight right now. As hard as I can considering I am exclusively breastfeeding and don’t want my supply to diminish. Believe it or not I was 196 the day I went in to deliver Shiloh.

O_o

I was 186 when I left the hospital. Then I was stuck at 177 ever since. When I first stepped on the scale a few weeks post-partum and saw I was 177, I was thinking “ok, cool, the weight is coming off,,” But then 4 weeks after that, it was still 177! What the hell? So exactly two weeks ago, I really started to focus on my diet. I was relieved today when I stepped on the scale and it said 169, at least I’m finally out of the 170’s. For reference, I’m usually between 135-145, depending on how health-focused I am at the time. When I went in for my 8 week OB appointment last January, I was 153 lbs - meaning I gained 43 pounds during my pregnancy. Whoops. So I’m 16 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight - though that is not a “happy weight” for me. I am surprised I weighed that much to begin with??? My ultimate goal is to be 135, but for now is 150. We’re getting Shiloh baptized on December 10th and I would like to be in the 150’s by then.

I have to go back to work in two weeks and I am so depressed about it. I do not want to go. I want to stay with my baby. I love him so much, the thought of someone else caring for him literally keeps me up at night. I was initially supposed to go back to work on the 15th of this month, but told HR there is just NO way I can return yet. I want to soak up every moment with my baby that I can.

Oh after 10+ years with super long hair, I chopped it all off. I thought it was going to be this “ahhhh” moment, but I literally cried the whole way home. Part of the problem was I didn’t go to my usual girl and had someone cut/color it and she totally messed it up. After I went to my usual girl, I was much happier with it.

BTW - What is up with photo bucket? It has seriously been sucking lately....

My little man!

Cassidy on Halloween:

My three loves: