Post-Partum Depression in My Metamorphosis

Yesterday I had my 6 week postpartum checkup. I was actually looking forward to it because on Friday Bradley and I worked out for the first time and I felt like I ripped my stitches open. I had been in so much pain, I felt like I did during the first week after giving birth: hurting to sit down/stand up, burning when peeing, bleeding at the stitch site, etc. Prior to that I felt 100% healed, the bleeding had stopped at about 4 weeks, and I def felt no pain. So I thought I was good to work out, but I was wrong. The Dr. noticed the stitches had not dissolved yet in the area where I was specifically hurting and the area was irritated/red. But basically all I can do is wait for it to heal.

Anyway I had to fill out a survey about how I’ve been feeling since giving birth and my dr. diagnosed me with post-partum depression. I have been feeling all sorts of emotions lately, but I thought that’s just how I was “supposed” to be feeling: Overwhelmed, lonely, isolated, anxious, down, restless, exhausted, sad, etc. I thought that’s just how new moms feel with a newborn. She prescribed me Zoloft and on my way to CVS to go fill it I started to feel like a major loser/disappointment. I was really embarrassed to tell Bradley, and just embarrassed in general.

His reaction was mixed - like he felt really guilty that I’ve been feeling this way, and he hasn’t done anything to help, but he was disappointed that I didn’t convey my feelings to him or that I haven’t asked for help. But he works so much and so hard for us, I felt like this is my job to take care of the baby 24/7, no matter how overwhelmed/out of control I feel. He was off yesterday and kept the baby while I went to my appointment. I was gone for three hours (first and longest I’ve been away from Shiloh) and he finally got a taste of how hard it is with him. He’s not an easy baby - he barely sleeps. I thought newborns sleep all the time? Not Shiloh. Anyway, so when I got home I took the baby and he cleaned the whole house, made lunch, and told me he’d start helping more. Which really just made me feel worse. Like I suck at my job, ya know?

It made me sad that I felt like I had no one to talk to about it (besides Bradley). Me and my sister in law Autumn are super close and I talk to her more than any body, but I was too ashamed. My supposed “bff” Samantha has really let me down. She lives in Tampa and I have made every effort to attend all her major life events (i.e. baby showers, wedding, graduation, birthday parties, etc). Just a few months ago, I drove the three hours down to Tampa (six months pregnant) just to surprise her at her graduation party. Yet in the 8 years I’ve lived here in south Georgia, she has NEVER visited. Never. Not for any of my life events. So when I was down in Tampa for the baby shower my SIL Autumn threw for me, my “bff” Samantha (who managed to actually show up to the shower since it took minimal effort on her part considering it was 20 min away from her) was like “I’m going to come visit you and the baby as soon as he’s born, I have your due date marked on my calendar, I’ve already told my work, blah blah…” Bradley, my little brother, and Cassidy all heard her say that. And when we were all driving back to Georgia we took bets on whether or not she’d actually follow through. 6 weeks later, EVERY week she has a new excuse as to why she can’t come.. First she had a head cold, then her daughter had dance practice, then no baby sitter, then a stomach ache…MEANWHILE on FB and IG she posts about her “adult day at Disney World”, her weekends at the beach, and going out to eat everywhere kid-less. Like what the hell is that all about? On sunday her and her husband were kid free drinking around the world at Epcot, then yesterday she texts me saying she’s getting a scan done on her stomach next week. Sooo your stomach hurts too bad to drive three hours to come visit, but you can eat/drink alcohol all day long at Epcot. Alrighty then. How dumb do you think I am? I haven’t even responded to the “I’m getting a scan” text yet. What the hell am I supposed to say to that anyway? I’m just tired of people letting me down when I feel like I go above and beyond for them.

Ya know, kinda like my mom who in total has probably seen/held Shiloh a grand total of 5 minutes. She has let me down the most out of every one. She couldn’t care less about me or Shiloh. We live literally five minutes from each other. She does not work. Yet she makes absolutely no effort to see me or the baby. And i’ve been over at her house a lot lately because my brother/SIL were in town visiting and my dad has been in town. But when we’re there, she’s not there, or she’s off in her own world. It’s so fucked up. I’m so done making an effort with her.

I came here to write and hopefully feel better but have actually just gotten more pissed off so I’m going to wrap this up. The only bright note is Shiloh, though he is ALOT of work. Last night he would not quit screaming. I literally tried everything, including taking him on a drive at 1:00 in the morning, still didn’t put him to sleep. It’s been rough, he barely naps and can’t just chill. He has to be held 24/7 pretty much to be happy. It’s hard. He’s actually content in the swing now so I better go eat before he starts wailing again.

I love his silly faces :)

Today at almost 6 weeks: