719 in idea barrages

1.) Your comic book about superheroes who recharge their powers by smoking THE NICOTEENS will be unpopular but very well funded.

2.) In Soviet Russia, stars reach for you.

3.) Two Tramburgers and a Mastershake, two Tramburgers and a Mastershake, two Tramburgers and a Mastershake…

4.) Dancing like no one’s watching is a good step but dancing like it doesn’t matter if people are watching or not is the goal.

5.) If someone is stressed out by Winnie The Pooh, make sure to give them a Tigger Warning beforehand.

6.) Your youtube channel for stories about the BDSM lifestyle will be called the Flog Vlog.

7.) Your all-girl punk band will be called G. Gordon Lady.

8.) In hell, it’ll be “A Christmas Story” on 24 hours a day on every channel.

9.) My life is like the tamest version of FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS. “It was around that time the Tylenol PM started to kick in…“

10.) If nothing else proves that “thoughts and prayers” are ineffective, consider the endangered status of the Praying Mantis.

11.) Your sex toy resale website will be called Chub Hub.

12.) You look around for a virtual ear in Pokemon Van Gogh.

13.) The Han Solo movie needs to open on Han firing a laser pistol so we can all say “Han Shot First”.

14.) Your cartoon about Charles Manson and his nephews traveling the world and solving mysteries will be called CHUCK TALES.

15.) Convince someone that you think J-Date is for people looking to date basketball superstar Dr. J.

16.) Just like how there’s humid heat and dry heat, I’m hot but I’m a weird hot.

17.) LIFE HACK: To freeze anything in Carbonite, all you need is a vacuum sealer and a black bag.

18.) Maybe the people of Boston AREN’T horribly mispronouncing the word “wicked” maybe they are just all wiccan.

19.) Only the Yankees could be like “We only lost TWO out of three against the Red Sox so we might still be buyers at the trade deadline”.

20.) Your post-apocalyptic name is Steve Killdozer.

21.) The whole point of a He-Man/Mork & Mindy crossover is to get to Skeletor calling them “DORK and Mindy!”

22.) Befriending an Australian lesbian has the added bonus of making “Vagamite” jokes.

23.) A good title for something would be “Damaged Gods”.

24.) The next Sharknado should happen at a golf course with the subtitle “Caddyshark”.

25.) I keep trying to order a kickass tall woman from Amazon and it keeps telling me no. THEN WHY DID YOU CALL IT AMAZON

26.) Jailing a twin gets complicated, they often finish each others’ sentences.

27.) You can’t change an old cheesemaker, they get set in their wheys.

28.) If I was gonna front a Peaches coverband, I would definitely call myself Pears.

29.) We all have our baggage and social media is the TSA rummaging through it.

30.) Que sriracha sriracha, whatever will be will be garlicky.

31.) The ironic part of my agnosticism is that I think a gospel-style church organ is the most beautiful sound, like, a Hammond B-3y.

32.) Performance is a radical act of non-confidence, casting a spell of reverse psychology on your feelings of inadequacy, doing it anyway.

33.) If you want an Arbok or a Growlithe, pull out your phone then catch and evolve it, ice ice baby, ice ice baby.

34.) The first scientist to realize the atomic makeup of water was probably all like “H… two… OHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh”

35.) Try to convince someone that you think arugula is only the singular and in the plural it is “the rugulas”.

36.) The fact that the cop killer in Baton Rouge was more of a “Mens Rights Activist” than anything else probably confuses a lot of people.

37.) If you like pina coladas, you’re whatever but if you like pineal gland coladas, you’re probably Hunter Thompson and that’s rad.

38.) You seem surprised that Kayne West and Taylor Swift, two robots programmed only for fame, worked a fake feud to get more famous.

39.) “Centerfold” is basically a song of weird slut-shaming but it’s so catchy you almost forget that’s what it is.

40.) The garb of a redneck and a hipster are now indistinguishable except that the hipster paid a lot more for his clothes.

41.) Maybe we needn’t get better/maybe we just can’t get worse/maybe you don’t have to fly, you just/need to fall down in reverse.

42.) They call those vans “Suburbans” because you can fit an entire suburb in them.

43.) Step 1: Write down a list of any slightly-related concepts. Step 2: Congratulations, you have written an Alanis Morissette song!

44.) The whole point of a He-Man/Thundercats crossover is getting to the point where Skeletor calls them “Blundercats”.