515 in idea barrages

1.) The scientific name for the bigfoot is Awesomelopithecus.

2.) The world is awful, full of hate & oppression, but if we hang in there we’ll get to see this Bruce Banner & Peter Parker in a film together.

3.) Dealing with “Men’s Rights Activists” online is much easier when you imagine them all talking in the strained voice of Brainy Smurf.

4.) When there wasn’t at least one planet of Jamie Farrs on Farscape, they must have known by then they were doomed.

5.) Maybe at least the next civilization will mis-remember us in interesting ways. Maybe the 12 Apostles will all be dwarfs from a diamond mine.

6.) If I had written The Little Mermaid, instead of a clamshell bikini I’d have given her an algae bra and leveled up to Level 20 Pun Master.

7.) A parody of “Piano Man” about a creeper who rides around in a panel van?

8.) Singing to the dog, to the tune of “Bacon Pancakes”, something about how he’s a barkin’ half-wit.

9.) No, Alfred, we fall so when we get back up, we have empathy for that pain in others & compassion for those who can’t get back up so easily.

10.) DEADPOOL and THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST are the two biggest R-rated movies of all time. So definitely make dirty movies about resurrection.

11.) The corniest song parody one could do about the Mohawk Valley would definitely be “Chicken Riggies Wit’ It”.

12.) My zen state is that place where you’re so jazzed up on coffee that you’re actually tired again.

13.) The closest I have to meditation is going to a show alone, just myself & some scrap paper, writing in the silence of others’ wonders.

14.) Divesting myself of jealousy for those whose lives are in order or are extraordinary bold. accepting I’ll probably be alone for a while.

15.) The post-modern villain “The Twittler” would flounce about in a lime green bodysuit covered in pink little hashtags.

16.) She’d run out of memes and now her mind was drawing a dank.

17.) Cereal for dinner is thoroughly Post-modern.

18.) A flock of geese, a murder of crows, a smarmy of hipsters.

19.) He asked “does that cigar have reefer in it?” “Who are you,” she asked in reply, “Narc Twain?”

20.) The nerdiest joke about rap you could ever make would be to simply yell “CALCULATORS! … round up.”

21.) Predict the future if you want but leave me out, I’m not intuit.

22.) It is too soon for “Raspberry Bidet”, I’m afraid.

23.) After Heath Ledger’s death they quickly cancelled the tie-in “WHY SO CHEERIOS” ad campaign.

24.) The only acceptable stage name for a country-rap fusion performer is “Cottonmouth Joe”.

25.) If Washington football fans must continue to support their team’s racist name, we must at least start calling them Skinheads.

26.) The legal term for attacking someone with candy is Veruc Assault.

27.) A great derisive nickname for the X-Men’s Colossus would be “Solder Popinsky”.

28.) The return/there, turn/the ret-urn/the return.

29.) If there was never the one-liner “Ain’t nobody here but us Chechens” in a Rambo movie, someone screwed up very very badly.

30.) Don’t look at me, I was yelling “FREBERG! FREBERG!” I wanted to hear a song by Stan Freberg. Mind your business.

31.) haiku: we’ll go to Portland/Willi’msburg or Silver Lake/be cliches in love

32.) Your jazz/death metal fusion album will be entitled “The Afterbirth of The Cool”.

33.) If you’re fighting crime with the gimmick of only using nipple tweaks and don’t call yourself “The Purple Nurple” you have screwed up badly.

34.) Constantly pretend to confuse the words “filching” and “felching”.

35.) If only “Sarah Plain and Tall” were “Sarah Weird And Tall” it would describe my perfect woman.

36.) parody snippet: “summertime/and your mother is easy/says just jump in/don’t use rubbers, that’s fine”

37.) Other Jesus/Deadpool parallels: ex-hooker girlfriend, talks to things that probably aren’t there on a regular basis.

38.) The classiest sexual innuendo in pop music was definitely the title “Take The A-Train”.

39.) Trying to come up w/ names for an imaginary He-Man porno parody (Porko, Kneela, whathave you) but nothing beats the in-universe name Fisto.

40.) It shouldn’t bug me but when a song is regendered for a singer of the opposite sex it always seems slightly needlessly homophobic.

41.) The previous 30 tweets were notes I took at a 3 hour concert. Also wrote 3 poems & a Star Wars rant. This is what it’s like to live in my head.

Last updated May 15, 2016