58 in idea barrages

1.) “Nuthin’ But Darjeeling” would be the worst tea-based rap parody ever.

2.) Sometimes feel like Forrest Gump stumbling through history not through disability rather through neurosis & knowing too many useless things.

3.) “I don’t have a big ego,” she protested “I have the smallest ego here! I HAVE THE SMALLEST EGO IN THE WORLD!”

4.) Judging a person by the shapes of their associates’ skulls is called friendology.

5.) How unfit if you quit Fitbit if its unfit bits just quit.

6.) If you’re stuck requiring a catheter, at least jazz it up by referring to it as Kathy. You know. Keep it fun.

7.) Your synth will be assimilated by the Korg. Resistance is musical.

8.) When I find steady work I’ll be able to afford “Darkest Dungeon” on Steam. But with that game I’d have no time for work. PARADOX.

9.) I wonder how often Adam Richman gets “Man Versus Food? More like MAN VERSUS GOOD, AMIRITE?”

10.) If they tell you to do your art for the exposure, demand a copy of Robert Fripp’s “Exposure” album. Offend AND confuse them.

11.) If Ben and Jerry’s really wanna corner the market on emo vegans, three words, gentlemen. “Death Cab Tofutti”.

12.) I honestly think Metstwitter went crazier for Bartolo Colon hitting a home run than the Mets making the World Series.

13.) So I’m at the Tram Cafe for my friend’s Tom Waits cover band and while it says Swordfish Trombones w/CP at the Tram on the bill, it seems to actually be a convention for good looking women who are either slightly too young for me or who are obviously with their boyfriends.

14.) Randomly noticing people you knew in a different life in movie credits is… it reminds you how many lives you’ve lived, y’know?

15.) Once again my inability to rap ruins the potential of writing a Beastie Boys parody about sock monkeys.

16.) My mom was watching Iman sell stuff on QVC and I reflexively called her “the Widow Bowie” and, God, that is a strange notion.

17.) Dissecting insects to learn about the thorax is all about cutting out the middle, man.

18.) Elsewhere, friends are performing a night of house music but a whole night of songs about that one teevee doctor sounds oddly specific.

19.) When hell is full up with the genuinely bad, us mild sinners will rise again to shuffle through Dennys at three in the morning.

20.) I imagine Johnny Number Five from “Short Circuit” saying all sentences involving the word “Stephanie”. I won’t apologize for it.