Uncontrollable tears and disappointment. in My Metamorphosis

We just found out the sex of the baby.

Fucking boy.

I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know where all this is fucking coming from. I should be on my way to work, but I was crying so much I just had to come back home after the dr appointment. So now I’m just sitting on my floor, crying harder than I ever have and writing this entry on my phone bc I have no real friends I could ever express this feeling too.

I don’t even know what these feelings are. I didn’t even really want to be pregnant from the get go and now I’m stuck with a boy, another fucking Zion that makes me want to blow my fucking brains out. But I’m supposed to be happy about that.

Bradley and Cassidy were with me, I wanted to fucking smack the smug look right off his face. And Cassidy was pissing me off too, I wanted them both to just go the fuck away so I could sulk how I wanted to. I couldn’t hide my disappointment or my tears. The tears and snot just kept rolling down my face and still are as I sit here writing this.

I really don’t understand why I’m so upset. But I am. I’m pissed the fuck off. I was perfectly content with my family before, but I stupidly listen to Bradley and now here I am pregnant with a boy I feel no attachment to. None.

I’m trying to get it together so I can go into work but I know the tears will keep coming once everybody starts asking me about the ultrasound. I don’t want to do this. I just want to crawl in a hole and be left the fuck alone,