start of april barrage in idea barrages

1.) So many writers on my twitter feed going to the AWP Conference, I find myself saying it as a silly word. “awp, awp, awp”.

2.) It’s a shame I don’t know how to use the lines “we love watchin’/Wheel of Fortune” because it’s a great slant rhyme. I can’t fit it in a gangster-rap like I’d like.

3.) If they made a puppet in your image, does that mean they felt you up?

4.) You can get BETTER at pitching or submitting over time but it’s never gonna FEEL better. Even once you’re the best, it’ll still FEEL hard.

5.) “I don’t have long awkward paws!” the rabbit protested before looking down at his hand. Things were quiet for a while after that. (WHEN YOU CAN MARRY A QUIP YOU WROTE, JUST GET THIS QUIP & I A TOASTER.)

6.) If you’ve tweeted that you don’t even have time to THINK about something, that is as non-literal a notion as you can get.

7.) If you run on a platform of “you can’t put a video interview online without an accompanying transcription”, you will have my vote.

8.) People should refer to roses as “fat buds” to confuse stoners.

9.) Gravy is like gilding a lily with gold-leaf-flecked sludge.

10.) News lately feels like Western Civilization is Willie Mays, playing 2 or 3 seasons too long, lost in the outfield & nostalgia.

11.) Someone create a hashtag where I could put “Meredith Baxter-Bernie Sanders” in as a clever answer.

12.) If there’s ever a film about a serial killer who leaves Milano cookies as calling cards, here’s your tag line: “PEPPERIDGE FARM DISMEMBERS”.

13.) A movie about a filmmaker who pulls himself out of depression by making a terrible but heartfelt Batman fan film called DAY FOR KNIGHT.

14.) You don’t have to bleep out your swears on youtube, video producers. Either swear or write a script where you didn’t swear.

15.) I’ve come to miss the polite days, back when we would pretend we didn’t know it wasn’t butter, just to make them feel better.

16.) In general, it was enough animal feed to last a farmer all winter but of course your silage may vary.

17.) He didn’t want to go out for kettle-drum popcorn so she said what about breakfast at timpanis?

18.) A few people started eating just before the blessing but it was okay, there was a grace period.

19.) Making a flipbook of the Tour de France on a packet of Post-It-Notes demands many drawings of a stationery bike.

20.) Every time a blog touts unfolding those paper ketchup cups as a “life hack” I wanna “hack” their site and put in a pic of a diva cup.

21.) Internet: no one ever wants to view as slideshow, everyone wants to view as list. See also: multiple “pages” or full story.

22.) Somehow it’s my fault that after taking the dog for a long walk where he did his business a lot when we got inside he dropped another one.

23.) Then there is, of course, Robin Hood’s evil opposite Corporateperson Hood.

24.) Pitch yourself on dating sites the same way animal shelters try to guilt you. “I’m looking for a foreverhome.”

25.) I can’t help writing these inconsistent puns, it’s a gag reflex.

26.) If I’m talking too much about my writing/performing projects lately, mea culpa, it’s my way of trying to stay positive.

27.) The longer we’re isolated from negative consequence the easier it is to create & release but also to get out of touch & have nothing to say.

28.) They can steal ideas but if you only had 1 or 2 good ideas, you were screwed from start. Your workflow, your process, they can copy at BEST.

29.) New intentionally bad hashtags I made up this week to justify puns: #MarvelMusicians (Bruce Thingsteen) #StarTrekBands (Puddle of Harcourt Fenton Mudd) #prescriptiondrugsthatsoundlikethirdstringavengers (Ativan) #directorialarchitecture (Francis Ford Cupola)

30.) A hero called Headcanon who literally blasts through the 4th wall with a gun on his/her hat.

31.) If contempt for the audience is punk rock, man, the writers of THE REAL O’NEALS are so punk rock.

32.) When writing a pornographic script, remember Syd Field’s Three-Indecent-Act Structure.

33.) Two pair of underwear discussing the indignities of being underthings, a 4rd joins with the line “Oh don’t even GET me sharted.”

34.) They used the castle basement’s flood proofing equipment to make The Monster’s boots. Looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker.

35.) “Carmel is easy when you’re trained in confection’ry, those golden streams, those golden streams” is all I got of a Karma Chameleon parody.

36.) There’s something twistedly noble about Peepers hanging in there with the tenacity of a cockroach while high end eateries move in around it.