February 23rd and 24th in 2016

The rest of the school day of the 23rd went about as I expected. A few notebooks, a few test questions, but nothing much of note. I got some more recorded of The Wizard of Oz. Simona is saying that there’s nothing left for me to do that I haven’t done for another girl. And I want her to read the book. So, I’m recording it. I think it’s also good practice in case I want to get into ASMR. I also have a great and newfound respect (although I already admired them!) for voice actors! Keeping all of these voices straight is incredibly difficult. Oh well.
After a long day of nothing, I went home. I took a bath and watched more Love Live! I’m not as into the second season, though I’m not sure if that’s as much to do with the show as it is to do with me. Well, I still enjoyed it. The bath wasn’t great, though. Not much to be done.
After the bath, I did feel more energized, though, so I got a lot of cleaning done. Part of the inspiration for this was the fact that the 24th is recyclable day this month, and it’s generally a good idea to get bags of bottles and packages out of my house when there’s time. I need to do more cleaning tonight, but, if I skip Eikaiwa and my walk, I should finish. One reason I didn’t finish was that I need to clean out my fridge and I want to do that on the night before garbage. That way I can drop it off FAR from my house. That way the garbage men won’t judge me.
I got up at 6:50 this morning (the 24th) and mostly met my goal of getting moving right away. I want to try to ease myself back into getting up earlier. I was reading more about the benefits of getting up early and getting sun first thing. I think I need to get back into that habit, especially as all next week is supposed to be beautiful.
Now I’m sitting at the BOE, and I’m off to Kukino elementary at 9:50. After I finish there, I’ll go to Hirakawa elementary and take pictures. I forgot to last time I was there. Or, rather, I forgot my camera. Then, back to the BOE.
I’ll go to Hirakawa’s Ending Closemony on Sunday. That’ll be sad. I really like that place. And those kids. It really is a disappointment to see things go like this.
I had a terrible dream last night. I was floating in space, and I was trying to demonstrate things, and I kept throwing objects, and I’d miss the planets I was aiming for, but I’d often get stuff into their gravitational pull. Anyway, it was the same feeling I’d get in my old stranded in space dreams. Even though there were other people, we were just . . . alone. And I was helpless. Powerless. It was truly horrible. Then it segued into a worse one. I was on some battlefield that happened to be my front yard in the US. I was in a series of vehicles and was shooting at other vehicles and soldiers. My vehicle kept changing like it was a videogame showing off the capabilities of the different options. I even heard a voiceover explain what the different ones were good at. However, I never had enough ammo. Finally, these soldiers who I’d shot so many times were coming towards me. One spoke and said something that terrified me, and I woke up. It was incredibly difficult to sleep after that.
Things with Simona are going unreasonably well, which is rather unfortunate as she’s a girl that I knew for two days in China and now chat with all the time online. I really wonder if, were we in the same place at the same time, we could have a shot at things. I was really struck last night by the sense of just how unlikely I am to ever really be with another person.
Actually, I was thinking about how I’ve changed in my perception over the years.
When I was young, I wanted to be Luke Skywalker. Even as a kid, mom would tell me that if I spent more time outside, my hair would turn blonde (which is often did as a kid) and I’d look more like him. I always wanted to be Luke. Then, something changed. I think it was around the time I was with Amanda that I started seeing myself as more of a Han Solo. Instead of being the spiritual, distant, other, suddenly I was the in your face, charismatic, scruffy cool guy. My interest in the spiritual side of . . . everything really declined around that time. Not just in Christianity, but in everything. I don’t think it was because of Amanda directly. But I think that she helped me to see myself in a different way. In a way that was a bit more accurate. See, we define ourselves by the world we understand, and, for many of us, that tends to be a fictional world. We associate ourselves with, and identify with, various characters, and that serves as a lens that alters how we see the world around us. Lately, I’ve
been trying to rediscover some manner of spirituality. I find that I’m better when I’ve got it in my life. True, it’s been a long time since I felt anything even a tenth as wonderful as what I felt in Hikone. But . . . even slightly pursuing the matter seems to do me good. Even if it’s just reading a bit of philosophy, or thinking more, or trying to meditate a bit, or going through more introspective works (I’m falling in love with the author of The Sarishina Diary, which is unfortunate as she’s been dead for nearly a thousand years). Anyway, as I was there in my bed last night, scared, halfway between sleep and awake, terrified of my nightmares and concerned for my future, I started to feel like Luke again. Just briefly. I saw for myself a life set apart. A life that was other. A life that wasn’t exactly what I’d hoped for or planned for. But it was a life I could be proud of. Maybe even happy in. Not the kind of Han Solo happiness that I’ve always wanted (even while thinking I was Luke) but something else entirely. It’ll be difficult. And I’ve got no Yoda. But boy do I wish I had one.
I’m thinking about paying for Japanese Skype lessons from a school in Fukuoka. I want more practice in the language, and it’s just not coming along. I don’t get enough of a chance to actually use it. I need to hang out more and to meet more people. I’m hoping to make friends in Kagoshima, or Sendai, or Izumi, or . . . anywhere. I’ve got to get my language skills up. But I’ve got to make a lot of life changes to get that money and to get to a better point for . . . everything.
I want to do so much, and it’s all so interconnected. It’s hard to pick a point and say, “It all starts here.” I’m wonderful at starting things, but I’m awful at finishing them. Time to do it. One step at a time.
Can’t take the quick and easy path.