216 in idea barrages

1.) She wanted to be the world’s most successful tow truck driver but, y’know, be careful what you winch for.

2.) It is my most fervent hope that Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s autobiography will be called “Planks For The Memories”.

3.) Michael Fassbender is a black sheep for acting instead of going into the family business of making pretzels very quickly.

4.) How do you know an e-mail was actually from The Buddha? No attachments.

5.) Fight against meaning with Toyco’s new line of Existential Dreadnought models. To scale!

6.) Now for facebook’s post-Valentine’s bump when the break-ups start and singles ghost the hell out of the accounts of the recently detached.

7.) At what point does telling a president he can’t be president the last year of his presidency become treason? Asking for a democracy.

8.) So DC’s “It’s Not A Reboot” campaign is admitting that reboots are stupid stunts that make comics less fun? I’m for that.

9.) Everytime I see it listed with a shortened name on the cable guide, I hope it’s “How I Met Your Mothra” and it never ever is.

10.) Sex is just the icing on the “someone to make you feel special & have adventures with” cake. Some jerks just scoop off the icing, of course.

11.) Remember, conmen is short for “confidence men”, people who confidently tell you the lies you want to hear, like preachers and politicians.

12.) I wonder how much longer it would’ve taken for the internet to catch on if daytime television weren’t so revoltingly bad.

13.) Rustoleum, you really believe “Wipe New” is a good name for a car care product, huh? It sounds like an unspeakable fetish, guys.

14.) My brain is mad cute, you guys.

15.) Propose in a British pub so you can send out “Save The Dart” pre-invitations.

16.) These nightmares about watching 2 or 3 cycles of civilization rising & falling aren’t prophetic, of course, rather too much TV news.

17.) Bumper Sticker I Haven’t Seen Yet: Lumberjacks Do It Raw Log

18.) “What are you doing in chemistry lab?” he asked “THAT’S NONE OF YOUR BISMUTH!” she snapped back.

19.) Live-tweeting the Grammys makes sense because probably even the people there aren’t playing attention, tweeting from phones.

20.) If Grodd were one of us, he would be just a schlub like one of us because all his powers come from being a telepathic ape.

21.) Hamilton isn’t for me but I’m glad some people like it. Kendrick isn’t for me but I’m glad some people like him. I am terrible at Twitter.

22.) They aren’t scars, they were never scars. They’re survival marks.