121 in idea barrages

1.) Burger King, when you call them “Golden Nuggets” it is a suspicious evasion. What percentage of these things are silly putty?

2.) Doubt keeps you honest but too much doubt keeps you quiet. It’s a hell of a line.

3.) Part of the background checks should be if you’re a civilian who thinks he needs an AR-15, you’re legally too crazy to own an AR-15.

4.) It was very Big Tent for Palin to give a speech in a mix of Polari, Esperanto, Big Brother New Speak and Auto-Correct.

5.) Happily no one picked up the pilot for the “Men’s Rights Activist” game show Wheel of Foreskin.

6.) Don’t host debates too often, you have to do that in moderation.

7.) The WOW signal was always misinterpreted, some astrophysicist was just writing a note to his mom and it got flipped over.

8.) The cat says we should worship him because he has 450% more lives than Jesus, this cat, man, the ego on him.

9.) When you dress real fancy to go out and get Vietnamese, those are your pho-togs.

10.) The solution is for Chipotle to develop some kind of ecoli-resistant antibiotic cilantro.

11.) Whoever said “Let’s remake Malcolm In The Middle with the mom as the main character and call it The Middle” had some BALLS.

12.) Irony was already dying but, certainly, Old Spice having “ironic” body wash scents like Wolfthorn is that last coffin nail.

13.) Turns out the best way to fight ISIS is cutting the value of their oil by lifting Iranian sanctions. Talk about prophet margins!

14.) The only way to not be darned to Heck is to accept Cripes into your life.

15.) “Baby snakes, you’ve got the cutest little baby snakes…“

16.) If you’re writing Guns N Roses-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan-fiction, you could write Slash/Slash slash.

17.) Mary being Jesus’s only human parent sort of makes Him Virgin 2.0, yeah?

18.) If I ever open a Tex-Mex restaurant, our jingle will be “If you like big empenadas” to the tune of that awful Pina Coladas song.

19.) Pain is just the desire to keep exercising leaving your body.