117 in idea barrages

1.) If you don’t believe that they dump all the crap movies in January, watch the trailers for “50 Shades of Black” and “The Boy”.

2.) We’re losing all these geniuses so fast, someone’s gonna have to step up, there’s not even a choice now, it has to be us.

3.) So disappointed the day I realized vegans were people who don’t eat animal products, not people who think they’re from the Vega star system.

4.) The upside to never having been conventionally attractive, however, is that I’ve never had to participate in the performative masculinity of feigning being dangerous. I’ve never had to ponce around like young Brando, preen like James Dean, muck about in a leather jacket and an undershirt with cigarettes rolled up in the sleeve. “I’m Tough So You’ll Have To Tame Me So I’m Sweet Only To You.” Blah. Theatrical nonsense. Empty horseshitting. I philosophize and I tell jokes and you either like it or you don’t.

5.) I hope Western Civilization sticks around long enough for people to confuse who Skrillex and Macklemore were.

6.) Having no interest in SUPERNATURAL or HAMILTON, about half of Twitter is incomprehensible to me.

7.) Internet, make a meme of putting the Oregon Trail “You Have Died Of Dysentery” screen into all films with old CRT computers in them.

8.) If you’ve been captured by the enemy and you have a secret cyanide implant, the tooth will set you free.

9.) If Saturday Night Live was this bad in the 80s, they’d’a had a FAMILY TIES sketch about a family of ties.

10.) Adapt Oregon militia erotic fiction into a manga or an anime. Refer to it as “tentai”. Make all the money.

11.) Playoff records mean doodley squat now that like a quarter of any major teams sports’ schedule are playoffs these days.

12.) Wal-Mart to eliminate 16,000 of the most humiliating under-paid public-assistance-subsidized jobs in the world.

13.) Bologna is the Florida of lunch meats.

14.) Did the past realize how silly is was how everyone used to always wear hats? How were people not just laughing constantly?

15.) Would Lucas or Disney be able to sue you if you named your band “The Dea Dewoks”?