barroxing day in idea barrages

1.) Merry Holiday, friends. It’s been a weird rough 2015. Thanks for enduring my gag writing practice here, in some other life I’m on a writing staff on a hit show and it keeps bleeding into this timeline. We’ve lost a lot to entropy, let’s try and beat that back with love. Let’s get ‘em next year.

2.) You can’t spell “external validation” without “eternal” and your x.

3.) Gloooor-or-or-or-or-or Gloooor-or-or-or-or-or Gloooooria, inexpensive seltzer.

4.) A metal band with a flute player named “Jethro Skull”.

5.) Your MOMA’s so full of art, they call it Mrs. Garfunkel.

6.) Getting down and boogieing can unlock your Chakra Khan.

7.) The nine scariest words in the English language are “I’m from a corporation and I’m here to help.”

8.) The easiest way to make money on this Earth is to record pop-country covers of Christmas standards.

9.) The planet Vulcan’s greatest rapper was Tuvok Shakur.

10.) Well, yeah, that person I didn’t recognize so I didn’t add “her” just linked sunglasses ads to our mutual friends on Christmas Day. Cynicism is bad but skepticism is the best.

11.) “New Christmas clothes?” it is as if Felix is asking “allow me to christen them with my sheddings.”

12.) When I am in charge, exercise bars in doorways will be abolished, when my Tall People Revolution comes.

13.) “Madge, why does this dish liquid make me want to awkwardly soliloquize a political position?” “It’s Palmolive, you’re Sorkin in it!”

14.) Two men await the arrival of a giant telepathic gorilla warlord who never comes in WAITING FOR GRODDOT.

15.) When Santa met Mrs. Claus, it was the Thrist Noel.

16.) There is a meta-joke somewhere in the idea of one comic swiping another comic’s Tinder joke.

17.) Watching bad movies that never should’ve been made, I like to remember that even on those there were divas who thought themselves genius.

18.) Singing to the tune of Casey Jones “Walkin’ a mutt/that smells like a butt/crazy dog you better/goddamned pee/muzzle ahead/nozzle behind…“

19.) Somehow the teen heart-throb and the weird-lookin’ dude got switched in their roles of Kylo Ren and Canadian Prime Minister. It’s WEIRD.

20.) Star Wars hors d’oeuvres: another reason, another season for bacon Wookies.

21.) Convince someone that in Italy the popular children’s game is called “Tic-Tac-Tony”.

22.) It’s gotta be weird to have sex with a young person stuck with an old person’s name. Agnes. Amos. Phyllis. Ezekiel. Etc.

23.) Watch “Beverly Hillbillies” as the tragedy of Ms Hathaway feigning desire for Jethro so as to sublimate her lust for Ellie Mae. It’s better.

24.) Disney, where’s our inevitable Kylo Ren/Loki “But it’s not faaaaaaaaaaiiir…” whine-off?

25.) The good news is, like, 10 months before the Die Hard, Love Actually and Baby Its Cold Outside thinkpieces start running again.

26.) Screw the “Christmas Story” marathon. I’ve written over 100 jokes of varying quality over the last four days to Twitter. Merry Quipmas.

27.) Devil went down to WalMart/he was looking for a Tweety Bird shirt/he found on stained/on a mountain dame/and thought “what could it hurt”…

28.) Centaurs never celebrate half-birthdays anymore, the “which half?” jokes were just too much.

29.) Tiny Tim would never die of his illness for lack of funds under Britain’s National Health today. No, that’s only America.

30.) No matter how good CREED is, I’m not going because the whole time I’d be fighting the urge to sing “My Sacrifice” sarcastically.

31.) Must’a been days on ROADCHIP’s set where Jason Lee couldn’t take it & when the PA knocked on his trailer he was like “DAVE’S NOT HERE, MAN!”

32.) Domo Garriato, Demi Lovato… Domo Garriato, Demi Lovato… THANK YOU VERY MUCH-O DEMI LOVATO…

33.) All John Bobbitt’s life really needed was a little reorganizing, is all.

34.) There are few purer iterations of the “Bad Boy Who Can Be Tamed” myth than the progression of the Godzilla sequels.

35.) Whenever people social media go on about losing their girlfriend, their truck, their dog, I think “pffffft, Conway Twitters.”

36.) Some are afraid to play the music of Bach but others just go for baroque.

37.) I’m a life-size distraction figure.