a distended barrage in idea barrages

1.) My favourite thing about my brother’s dog Rascal is that he is as bewildered by reality as I am. He is utterly confused by everything and is just happy when it turns out okay and also he kind of looks like a fat little ALF.

2.) There are times I feel like I know a thing or two about a thing or two. There are times when I feel like the dumbest son of a bitch to ever dumb up a big old pile of dumb pudding.

3.) Last night, the nightmare was about being trapped in an infinite swap meet, unable to ever find the end or exit.

4.) Dear spam e-mail with the header “Cant get laid?”, can’t use apostrophes? love, Mike

5.) Before enlightenment, the monk walked to the well for water. After enlightenment, the monk walked to the well for water. Next stop plumbing.

6.) I definitely would buy a Brian Eno-endorsed Glamburger.

7.) “I’m like the ruins of the Titanic,” he said, “a handsome wreck worth the effort of going down on.”

8.) I preferred the Spice Girls when they were all horribly-mutated space navigators and had their hit “Many Machines On IX”.

9.) I mean, let’s just open up a chicken shack called Legal Tenders.

10.) I love Art Bell’s show but with all the times he’s quit and unquit, he’s like the Jay Leno of pretending hibbity-jibbity is real.

11.) facebook ensures you can always be disappointed by the politics of friends & relatives even if you’ve no other way to connect w/ humanity.

12.) Someday I’d like to refer to a motorcycle designer as a “crotch rocket scientist”.

13.) A recurrent theme in my dreams is ending up in a foreign land without a passport, no way to legally return home.

14.) more than anything, people don’t want to believe we didn’t go to the moon because they’re pissed THEY can’t go to the moon.

15.) How about an Art Bell tie-in beer called Yeast Of The Rockies?

16.) I love the idea of a conspiracy theorist going to the Smithsonian and expecting to be allowed to try on a space suit to prove their crazy.

17.) Does Ned Flanders blush when he has to mention Pecorino cheese?

18.) If a gangsta stops to take a piss, is he making g-whiz?

19.) You know what’d be a TERRIBLE movie? Lady and the Trump.

20.) they come up with conspiracies as they feel inadequacy against the thrust of history and hope to regain agency through counter-factuality.

21.) If you ever wanna do a porno parody of ESPN, here’s your title: Spurtscentre. Use it in good health.

22.) The nightmare last night was waking up amnesiac at the wrap party of a terrible vanity arthouse film I’d apparently directed.

23.) A version of the Appetite For Destruction cover with Great Space Coaster characters on it entitled “Gnus And Roses”.

24.) One mash-up I’d really like would be “Orange Is The New Brak”.