Biopsy Results and TTC? in My Metamorphosis

Well after an agonizing 2 and a half weeks I finally had my post-op appointment to get my results back from the procedure. I have had so much anxiety about it and had braced myself for the worst. When I went in for my first biopsy results I was not prepared at ALL for the bad news so this time I went in thinking the worst. Bradley was with me of course and I was shocked when the Doctor told me they had removed all of the bad part of my cervix and the uterine biopsy came back negative for cancer. I’m all clear! I couldn’t believe it and I’m still trying to process it all.

I’m not 100% relieved. I keep having this annoying feeling in my subconscious waiting for them to be like “oh sorry, we missed this..” But I’m trying to shake that. I have to go back in four months for another pap (omg I am sick of metal things being shoved up there!) to make sure no cancerous cells have come back.

We asked the doctor about trying to conceive and he said it’d be fine. I’ve been on the fence forever about it but I think we’re gonna go for it. I’m 28 and I’m not getting any younger so it’s kinda like now or never ya know? According to my fertility app we’ve missed the “green days” this month, but beginning of July it’s on :)

This is a whole new ball game for me. Of course the first time around I was 16 and obviously it was an accident and my parents hated me. So it’s a weird feeling to be getting pregnant on purpose and talking to my mom about it! Who was surprisingly supportive about it! Well I guess it’s not really surprising at all considering I am 28, married, and financially stable. But I still feel like that scared little teenager having to tell her parents she’s pregnant and not getting an abortion. It’s hard to shake that. The thought of telling them I’m pregnant and having tears of joy as opposed to tears of anger and sadness is so foreign to me. To have the support of a loving husband who actually wants the baby and wants to be there every step of the way is also a foreign concept. My pregnancy the first time around was so tumultuous it really scarred me for life. I know it’s completely different this time around but I can’t get the horrible memories out of my head.

I just hope we are able to get pregnant. I haven’t been on birth control in almost a year and haven’t gotten pregnant. Not that we were trying per se, but how I got pregnant almost right after I lost my virginity and not after a year of no bc is beyond me.

Speaking of sex, we haven’t been able to do it since my surgery :( But the doctor said my cervix is healing good so we can finally do it! I don’t have a hyperactive sex drive or anything but I have really missed it. And missed the intimacy. Bradley has been a trooper too, poor guy. I feel bad for him! But, now that we’re going to be trying he’ll finally be getting it a lot more.

I hope it happens sooner rather than later. My brother and his wife are expecting a girl at the end of October, so I’d love for them to be close in age. If it doesn’t happen at all I’d be fine with that. I love Cassidy so much I could deal with just having her. She is going away to camp for five whole days next week! And she will be 11 next month! She’s growing up so fast. The idea of starting all over again kinda freaks me out too. But I’m excited to (hopefully) experience pregnancy and having a baby the ‘right’ way this time. And Bradley is the best dad to Cassidy, I mean seriously I couldn’t ask for a better father for her. I don’t give him enough credit for everything he does for her and us. I am so grateful for him, he’s made our lives so much better. All the bullshit I had to go through to get where we are today was so worth it!