511 in idea barrages

1.) The guy in “Brandy” wasn’t a sailor at all. He was a sad little tailor from two towns over who lied romantic lies to have affairs.

2.) After that harsh winter, I welcome the heat. However, humidity, you can still get right the hell out.

3.) Dear Coors, we already had a device to see if a beer is cold. It is called a hand. Most people even have a spare too!

4.) What I’ve learned from beer ads today is they’re trying to make people hate well-made beers in the American anti-intellectual tradition.

5.) “Smuggling Rebel sympathizers to Alderaan?” he said “Sounds like a Han job to me.”

6.) Larry The Cable Guy has a candy bar. An optimist would say “anyone can succeed!” A realist would say “look at what succeeds”.

7.) “Rarely uses social media to vaguebook his life, mostly just tells odd jokes” is one of my more underrated accomplishments.

8.) With every day that passes, Glenn Danzig and Tommy Wiseau slowly evolve toward twinhood.

9.) Amazing Race… a teevee show… that is… not watched… by me… I once flipped on… and got real bored… the appeal I do not see.

10.) They committed mass suicide via poisoned salad dressing, such was sad end for the Ranch Davidians.

11.) But the twist is, after the stripper jumps out of the cake, an alien bursts out of the stripper.

12.) The most popular MTV host on Bizarro World was Uptown Julie Brown.

13.) The tenant-farmers revolted but wouldn’t kill, they merely wanted to wound to make their point. “Serfs up!” they said “and graze the lord!”

14.) The only way anyone uses the Q-Tip is the way the box tells you not to, so as to defend a corporation from lawsuits. America in summation.