58 in idea barrages

1.) Whenever I pinch a picture larger on a touch-screen I think “enhance sector four by fifty percent” & pretend I’m in BLADERUNNER.

2.) Calling your place “M&T Bank” sort of begs for “empty bank” jokes when this 2nd Great Depression turns into runs on banks, no?

3.) Yo momma so geo-politically ignorant she believes the Intifada is a breakfast option at Taco Bell.

4.) Mishearing “Spirit In The Sky” as “Spirit in Disguise” makes it a lot deeper than it actually is.

5.) Some kind of Avengers-style crossover movie for Stephen King movies. Andy Dufresne and Danny Torrance vs Pennywise?

6.) It’s a programme to help people fight their addiction to e-cigs by encouraging them to smoke cigarettes. It’s called “Vape No More”.

7.) Here’s a great punchline in need of a joke to set it up: Father Greedo Sarducci.

8.) Oh man, NBC’s trying a variety show again? TV executives as kids just kept burning their hands on hot stoves, never learning.

9.) In this nightmare, I demanded a refund when a theatre didn’t show a film I bought tix for and the manager got so mad he destroyed the world.

10.) Well, at least Zak Snyder didn’t get the Star Wars job. It’d be a reboot, it’d be all sepia and murderous and star Han Yolo.

11.) “Of course only God can judge me,” he said, “I am entitled by law to a jury of my peers.”