53 in idea barrages

1.) I take my safety by finding the storm’s eye and following it until the whole thing cools off but I’m a particular kind of weird.

2.) Inspiration’s awesome but aspiration’s a load of crap. Help others burn brightly, don’t just burn bridges to keep yourself warm.

3.) I’m only a man, not an otter or eagle, I’m only a man, her pants should be illegal.

4.) Utica! LESS LAYOFFS, MORE PLAYOFFS! Utica Comets move to the next round!

5.) From hieroglyphs to instagram, all our languages end up being a way to record bizarre cat worship.

6.) Yankees GM explaining he can stiff A-Rod millions because of perspective sounds like Obi-Wan explaining why he lied about Luke’s dad.

7.) If you say that a famous man is allowed violence against women because he’s so good at performative violence, you’re part of the problem.

8.) The pro-pollution reverse-EPA chooses its leader via run-off election.

9.) The motto for being a teenager: “Onward And Awkward!”

10.) True Fact: Most horse racing names would make excellent names for emo bands.

11.) Every SNL in the last decade can be summed up as “I know that even if I got these references, this wouldn’t be funny.”

12.) The lead plumbing that cored out the minds of the Roman Empire was also a series of tubes.

13.) The bad news is life isn’t as weird as we hope it to be. The good news is it’s consistently weirder than could ever be believed.

14.) Consider quantum immortality on a global scale. How many times would we have already destroyed ourselves?

15.) This reality’s lack of a ren-faire slasher movie called “The Texas Chain-Mail Massacre” disappoints me to no end.