328 in idea barrages

1.) For a man of my generation “never pretended to like Dave Matthews in an attempt to have sex” is a resume-worthy accomplishment.

2.) Debate club sounds a lot cooler if you call it “fallacy football”.

3.) In like ten years, One Direction will reunite and we can all make “getting the bland back together” jokes. The future’s gift to us!

4.) “This one time. at bandcamp. I put up a bunch of music for a suggested donation and no one paid” will be a line in the AMERICAN PIE reboot.

5.) I like to pretend the super-famous randomly pick a few normal people to endlessly speculate upon, vis-a-vis their love lives.

6.) Bones as drawn in old-timey cartoons looked like they had two butts. The billions spent developing the internet allowed me to tell you this.

7.) Pretending Gene Simmons and Richard Simmons are brothers is fun. Maybe they have to go on a road trip together to bury someone’s ashes!

8.) Ne-Yo should be the name of a minor He-Man character, not a pop singer.

9.) Pupusa! The sandwich that sounds like Spanish slang for vagina!

10.) And under the five feet of snow? A two inch layer of dog poop. Up here we call it “The April Surprise”.

11.) I don’t give two hot damns about Harry Potter and even I choose to believe Snape was his real father.

12.) So far, my parody of “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” about D&D only has the lines “min-maxin’ all cool” & “rollin’ my d10 outside of the school”.

13.) Next time something racist, sexist or homophobic comes outta Nebraska, just be all like “THANKS O-ma-ha.”

14.) Anyone complaining of “Friend-Zone” wasn’t a friend to begin with, was just posing as a friend as a relationship vector & has no true gripe.

15.) Framing the right to discriminate as “religious freedom” is like framing vehicular homicide as “an improvement to traffic flow”.