34 in idea barrages

1.) I’ve discovered something more annoying than listicles. THINKING you’ve clicked on a listicle & it’s a VIDEO or AUDIO listicle.

2.) The NBA: where players throwing a game is mortal sin but signing a bunch of players who suck at max-effort to get draft picks is cool.

3.) Just because it works for you doesn’t mean you should tell everyone to do the same. It might not work for them. It might be a coincidence, you might be seeing benefit for indirect or totally unrelated reasons! Scientists without bias and years of research will tell us actual truths, we are all ourselves anecdotal at best and at worst apocryphal.

4.) Knowing people with vastly different life experiences… and living different places if you can afford it… is half of wisdom.

5.) Some restaurant should do Rowdy Roddy Piper themed jalapeno poppers. Rowdy Roddy Poppers! The basket paper could be plaid.

6.) It’s an Annie/Harry Potter mash-up called “Leapin’ Wizards”. It is… profoundly terrible.

7.) If recreational marijuana is ever legalized in NY, the abandoned buildings on Genesee St next to Taco Bell are selling that DAY.

8.) The Noid took off his costume, put on another and continues to ruin pizza to this day as Little Caesar.

9.) Leather CHAPS can be worn by LEA-ther chaps. But the difference in emphasis is important.

10.) Regret does not absolve you from believing it was a great idea at the time. This is a hard thing to learn.

11.) Step One: procure tomatoes. Step Two: tell the tomatoes you love them like a brother. Step Three: Viola! Crushed tomatoes!

12.) She didn’t have penis envy, she had penis ennui. It is up to you to decide if that’s better or worse.

13.) The moon poops time upon us and last night I fear it had Taco Bell.

14.) Ameritocracy, rule by those whose value has not even been considered, sounds a lot like “American democracy” when said quickly.

15.) If Utica just changed its name to Snow Emergency, it would save so much money on press releases, it could afford to plow!

16.) “The proof is in the putting” would be a solid pun if it were possible for golf to be interesting in any way.

17.) Just as all things move from order to entropy, all television moves from “interesting” to “which characters are having sex?”

18.) Jesus: “Love everyone and don’t judge!” American Christianity: “You can’t tell me not to hate, it’s my religion!” Ugh.

19.) How is Bjork still so hot? Do I have A Problem? Does my helplessness for crazy artsy women color my perception too much? (So hot.)

20.) Alternate history where the rocket lands in 1400s Rome & Super-Pope battles Martin Luthor. Theses nailed in with Kryptonite.

21.) Liver problems? OCCUPY GALL STREET.

22.) Whenever someone writes “BAMF” I don’t think “bad ass etc”. I think Nightcrawler teleporting. Because I’m a BAMF.

23.) You can’t spell “purgatory” without “gator” but I have no good application for that metaphor. If you know any, go for it.

24.) One fun idea: buying a bunch of Marvel Series One Cosmic Spider-Man inserts for any situation where I have to say “My card.”

25.) Muppet Wizard of Oz syncs up perfectly with… something by Nickelback, I’m sure.

26.) Going out on a limb but I think Demolition Man’s predictions for Taco Bell’s trajectory are going to be off a bit.

27.) As a recovering Catholic I know we can only ask direct questions of Jesus during the brief time He pops out of His cave on Easter.