33 in idea barrages

1.) We have the tech to feed the world w/out working hard so we could all be artsy but non-artsy people jealousy ruin it with money outta spite.

2.) He didn’t like saying he had a “salt and pepper beard”. He preferred to call it a “wintry mix”.

3.) Chateau Marmont, in the gutter begging for nickels, in bed at eighty-five, we’re all gonna die. Do something cool before that.

4.) Veni, vedi, veiny?

5.) You know even they realize giving 2 inches of snow a hurricane name is an insipid marketing gimmick when they get to “Winter Storm Thor”.

6.) I was so disappointed when I found out Lumber Liquidators was a discount wood shop not a line of incredibly powerful blenders.

7.) Pro-tip: if he or she adheres to a religion named after him or herself, be wary about lending them money.

8.) Paul Simon’s “Kodachrome” with the words occasionally reversed as “Yodachrome”.

9.) Why “fleek”? Why not “smarf”? Why isn’t something that’s incredibly on point “on smarf”? OR HOW ABOUT JUST ON POINT, WE ALREADY HAD THAT.

10.) Just sittin’ around, drinkin’ cocoa with Yoda, Kermit and the Swamp Thing. You know. Hot chocolate with marsh fellows.

11.) Not everything is a hack! Sometimes they’re just like tips or helpful shortcuts. CLICKBAIT HEADLINE WRITERS, you’re THE HACK!

12.) Ant-Man’s suit will always be better than The Atom because of the lack of a big goofy “A” but that’s damning with faint praise.

13.) The news: don’t judge all police by the horrible actions of a few! The news: judge all Muslims by the horrible actions of a few!

14.) Sports: video games grow sexism in their violent womanless worlds. Video games: sports grow sexism in their violent womanless worlds.

15.) When you try to open OKCupid or Tinder in upstate NY they just say “cut down the vein not across unless you’re just doing it for attention.”

16.) I sometimes slip and say “parapraxis” instead of “periapt” because my subconscious wants to murder irony.

17.) In Canada, blockbuster video games are referred to as “Eh Eh Eh”.

18.) Dog sleepin’ at my hip, cat sleepin’ on my chest, I’m like a fourth-rate Saint Francis up in here.

19.) A creative life is one long filibuster proclaiming that the way you’ve seen things is valid. Do not yield the floor.

20.) The correct answer is “your butt makes those pants look great”. That is always the answer.

21.) Utica has this inferiority complex that bends over backwards for external validation even when the real cool lies within. I get it. Me too.

22.) Figuring out where to prioritize my struggle as an individual against my struggle as a member of the human race, that’d be nice.

23.) Digital side-channels are the new UHF. “I Love Lucy” returns to us again. Time is a flat circle.

24.) We need comics we can eat when we’re done. TWO BIRDS!

25.) There will be times when you can request assistance like plucking fruit from stray trees. But the moment you’re used to it, it’ll disappear.

26.) The internet is not a full life. But it is a Nicorette patch in a time when the cartons are emply and I am thankful for that.

27.) Transcending death as a branded whimsical marketing fiction is our American sainthood. Your meaning dies with you, your name lives forever.

28.) In my day, Alabama Shakes were something you got at Sonic.