24 in idea barrages

1.) Oh brothers, oh sisters, the fitful restless useless endless interrupted fruitless hazy traumatic hallucinatory pointless exhausting sleep of a person with an awful head cold. I’d only wish it on history’s greatest monsters.

2.) Broken Windows policies are only good for rich folk who don’t like seeing broken windows from limos as they skirt through our Poor Places.

3.) Next on The Learning Channel RICH PEOPLE TELL WORKING & LOWER-MIDDLE CLASS PEOPLE TO FEEL BAD FOR NOT DRESSING LIKE RICH PEOPLE.

4.) You know what I like to do, though? Break that abyss like a rodeo bull and ride it through the streets, laughing like a maniac, pouring spewing bleeding torrential abyss-destroying light outta my eyes and hands like a Marvel Comics Cosmic Being drunk on bum wine at 7:30 on a Tuesday night. That’s, like, my thing. That’s my relationship with the abyss.

5.) What we need to do is threaten to round up all the normals and shoot them into the sun. In three days. everyone will have figured out a way they’re not a normal to get out of it, everyone will have to admit there’s no such thing as normals and we can all move on.

6.) Ah Valentine’s Day, the holiday devoted to mining for bees for some reason.

7.) My flu-rap name is The Delirious B.I.G.

8.) Wendy doesn’t care if Peter’s played by a woman or a man. She’s pansexual.

9.) Steve Martin was supposed to fill in for Judge Judy but the case was about Martin Short so he was all like “Well, recuuuuse me!”

10.) What no one is saying about the Superbowl Sharks is that they could totally have been an early Dr. Who alien species.

11.) If you think chest hair is sexy, that’s fine but never check me out with Vaporub on, it will ruin your ladystock for it forever.

12.) I hope there’s an Emerson Lake in Carlos’ Otherworld on NightVale so we can have an “Emerson Lake & Cecil Palmer” joke.

13.) Everyone says peach cobbler is easy but making functioning shoes out of fruit is actually REALLY hard.

14.) If you combined anime & emo, you’d get “animemo”. It’d be popular at Hot Topic & the hairstyles would be inexplicable with language.

15.) We don’t innovate, we make things half-sized so we can eat three of them. Or double-sized so we can… eat three of them.

16.) A nation of people who’ll obsess over the ingredients on their gourmet puppy food and then not vaccinate their kids for measles.