130 in idea barrages

1.) Woodward and Berenstein uncovered a vast conspiracy to cover up a family of talking bears.

2.) Only the biggest Beach Boys fans would name one of their pets Sounds.

3.) We only get so much belief in our lives, I’d rather put that belief toward my friends than toward a vague supernatural.

4.) The glass is not empty. The glass is full of air. LEARN TO DRINK AIR.

5.) Industrial espionage is a real thing, kids. The last thing they want at the Depends corporate offices is a leak.

6.) Can we start referring to temperatures in the teens as Jailbait Cold? Can we make this A Thing?

7.) We’ve reached the point where Adam Smith’s Invisible Hand has gone visible and is taunting us with an open wanking motion.

8.) Your next band is called The Kegel Scouts. You don’t have to thank me, just cut me in on the merchandising.

9.) There are few things more SUBTLY disgusting than morning television show hosts pretending to aw-shucks-gosh all be best friends.

10.) If we said “Teeth” for photos instead of “Cheese” it would do the same thing and also make sense.

11.) The born rich don’t live on the same Earth as us rather at a different vibration sort of like Superman’s foe Mr Mixedpickles except sillier.

12.) The problem isn’t that these reboots are re-casting with different ethnicities & genders, the problem is UNNECESSARY REBOOTS.

13.) A parody of “Fire Water Burn” about Albert Camus would be too obscure and I grudgingly accept this.

14.) I don’t have a LinkedIn account for the same reason I nuked my OKCupid account: it would only serve to depress me.

15.) The Japanese sequel to Doogie Howser MD was entitled “Doogie-Doogie Panic”.

16.) Not speaking the language at all, I read all Scandinavian languages to the rhythm of the old pop hit “Macarena”. Usually works!

17.) At this point, John McCain has devolved into talking like a high-ranking Imperial officer in STAR WARS. “Rebel scum!”

18.) There are two dogs in each of us. One is a pug that tries to do people things. Post pictures of him to tumblr & wait for your TV deal.

19.) I like to imagine that at the Branson Missouri Starbucks, on every single cup they just write “USA USA USA”.

20.) Do not make fun of Rush Limbaugh’s weight. It is the least repellent thing about him.

21.) There is small difference between wolfman tits and wolf-mantis but it is Important Difference.