I went for my follow up at the Health Dept today. It was just a brief “counseling” session with a nurse who really didn’t know much and didn’t have answers to any of the millions of questions I asked. As she read the results to me she’d dumb words down like I was some kind of idiot. Granted she didn’t know I’m a second year RD student, but I think I appeared intelligent enough to know what “atypical” means. Geez.
Anyways, I asked for a copy of my results and scheduled my appointment for the colcoscopy and biopsy. I have to wait until Feb 3rd. Three weeks of agony. And I have been agonizing over this. And although I keep being told “don’t worry it’s probably nothing,” the test results and symptoms say otherwise.
If I hadn’t had the pain during intercourse and bleeding from it plus that random miscarriage thing, I probably wouldn’t be so freaked out. But I read that pain during sex and bleeding post-sex are symptoms of cervical cancer.
Then I looked up what exactly my test results mean. And now I’m really scared. This is what my lab results say verbatim:
Epithelial cell abnormality: Atypical Glandular cells are present, not otherwise specified. (AGC/AGUS).
Epithelial cell abnormality: Atypical squamos cells; cannot exclude high grade squamos intraepithelial lesion (ASC-H).
ASC-H means Abnormal Squamos Cells with possible HSIL: Some of your cells are not normal and there is a small possibility that they may be precancerous. Your doctor will probably want to perform a colposcopy, which will allow your doctor to more closely examine your cervix. (See below for more information on colposcopy.)
HSIL
HSIL stands for high-grade squamous intraepithelial lesion. High-grade means the cells are very different from normal cells. These cells are usually precancerous and are more likely to lead to cervical cancer. Your doctor will probably perform a colposcopy to determine how at risk you are for cancer.
AGC
AGC stands for atypical glandular cells. Glandular cells are cells that produce mucus and are located in your cervix or uterus. These results mean that some of your glandular cells are not normal, but your doctor does not know why. These changes are usually more serious. People who have AGC can have a higher risk for cervical cancer. Your doctor will probably want to perform a colposcopy to examine any irregular tissue.
So yeah that freaked me out. A lot. You know it’s funny, when I first got the letter about the abnormal pap, I was just thinking “oh no, I hope it’s not HPV please don’t be HPV..” Now I’m thinking, “please don’t be cervical cancer, just let it be HPV....”
Sigh.
I was not anticipating this. Then again, who anticipates cancer? Especially a 28 year old generally healthy person? I looked up the causes/risk factors associated with cervical cancer. I guess I do have some risk factors, like being on the pill for a while and having a baby young. I can count the number of guys I’ve slept with on one hand, and of course have been with only one person for the past 5 years or so. I have smoked randomly throughout my life, but mostly socially, and def not enough to consider myself a “smoker.” I’ve never been diagnosed with HPV or any other STD’s. And no one in my family immediate or extended have ever been diagnosed with cervical cancer. So I really don’t know how/why this is happening.
Honestly I knew little to nothing about cervical cancer/HPV/etc before this. But I do know it’s treatable and the survival rate is high. I’m not necessarily worried about that part, it’s the being infertile part that is making me have a panic attack. I don’t know if I’m done having kids. I guess I should feel lucky to have the daughter that I do. Which I already felt lucky because she is the best daughter a mom could ever ask for. But, not being in control of my own reproductive system really bothers me. Not being able to make that decision is a hard pill to swallow.
But, I am getting ahead of myself. I know I am thinking the worst. But it’s hard not to with the clinical signs pointing to some sort of major problem. I just want to find out what the problem is ASAP. I am going to try and get my appointment moved up, I don’t think I can wait 3 weeks plus another week or two to get the results. The worst part is I feel very alone in this. Not that Bradley hasn’t been mega supportive, he has, actually he’s been great. But, I still can’t help but feel very alone in the world right now.
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