Today in Walking away and into the New

Today is August 6th. Happy wedding anniversary to my best friend. Also, I love you and miss you Timmers. I sought solace at the nearby nature center. 10 turtles, many ducks, a few geese, and a rowdy muskrat later, and I feel closer to him. He didn’t visit last night…but maybe tonight? I told M that this is the first year I’m not racked with guilt and shame. It makes him feel more distant, but she said it means I’m coexisting with him. I didn’t go to the tree in Eagan and I only thought once about his parents calling me…they never did and I still hope they never do.

But I continue to look for someone like Timmers. M brought to my awareness that Z does not fit my values much, and I have the habit of shaping everything, including my values, to the circumstance to prevent loss or harm. I guess this and my need to feel small and vulnerable and powerless stems from being groomed in my early teenage years. I never really thought of it that way…but I yearn to be compliant and dominated by a man older than me. Ron was at least 14 years older back then. And how I’m so aloof around men…that’s how I was with Ron too. I now know it’s a defense mechanism but it makes me out to seem like a bimbo who will go along with whatever. So is Kara the one that acts aloof now too? Never did I look at the stages of grooming, but Ron did all of it…targeting me…fulfilling a need (father figure) to me, isolating…using my fear against me of disappointing my mom as control. All of it. I wonder what would have happened if I reported? I really think that could have killed my mom with how much stress she was already under and how depressed she was. But it also could have prevented him from reoffending too.

I told M that I do things to diminish my power like watch the traumatic videos of powerlessness and torment…used to be mia…and any other form of self-sabotage. It’s like I hav a cap on how much power I can have. I apologize to Z all that time and say that I know I’m being too assertive. He says I’m the least assertive woman he’s been with. ::Confused:: I guess we really are FWB now but it seems more kind than cold. I was open about my fear he’s going to change his mind any minute or that I’m going to do or say something that will make him discontinue with me. Same pattern. Fear of losing yet another man and trying to change myself to keep them around. It’s different because we’re not in an actual relationship because he may leave the state by the end of the year. I just need to stick to the dynamic and not be dramatic. I need to tell myself that part of me-even a healthy part-loves the lifestyle and it’s not dark or only related to trauma. It’s fun with him…and I’ve never felt unsafe. I just want to enjoy the month with him while he decides. May the moon cycle not mess this all up.

But I can’t believe that after over 20 years, Ron is still in my body, mind, and soul. I might be reenacting the trauma. It didn’t feel traumatic and I blamed myself at the time. Then it manifested in my eating disorders and everything else. I’m grateful for the work I did with M but am realizing I have a long way to go. One thing I know, I NEVER want to be a feminist or lose my desire to be submissive. Trauma or not…it’s a part of me I’d like to keep around.

Z says he’s going to increase the intensity in play with us. He’s been afraid to “break me” because I’m petite. Still feel like a whale at most recent 115. something…but he doesn’t see it that way. I guess part of me likes when he’s kind and dominant at the same time…maybe I should ask for that with all that will be added? He keeps saying he wants me to feel safe and comfortable. That means a lot and so does the aftercare. He’s coming over tomorrow…I hope I’m emotionally prepared by then. This still feels somewhat one sided…but we’re also not in a relationship…so maybe I just need to cut back on everything myself.

5 Things:
Seeing all the animals :) including Hershey Marshmallow everyday
watermelon
low-no inflammation
dad’s text
memories of Gelly’s wedding :)

Body and mind…it may feel like trauma…but it can just be play…I don’t need to be protected. I trust Z enough.

Mandy keeps showing a scene with a man’s hand over her mouth…there’s a very evil version of forcing and one where her limits are being respected, but she feels a little fearful.

Goal: To try not to default to being aloof
Goal: To not obsess, idealize, or get too attached to Z
Goal: To not screw up the only male connection I have in any capacity that is even somewhat local at this point
Goal: To slow down during MR…too many small mistakes already

love

Last updated August 06, 2024